Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Monday, August 23, 2010

the gift...

My B Day is coming up, so it makes me think of gifts :)
The older I get the fewer gifts I receive...but only the physical ones.
With age comes the ability to open oneself up to other gifts...whether it be an act of kindness, an emotional one, or a sunny day, I can find gifts in them all.

Here is what I would really want though, it has been in my heart for the past month so I wanted to share.

I want a clear sunny calm day.
Kannon, and I on a simple wooden raft, floating down a river in some secluded wooded area. Birds chirping, fish swimming by, and no sound other than the water. I would like to be alone with him and just be...and then a little down the river we would pick up Kalena to share the journey with us.

For one, I like the feeling on just being able to float, downstream, no resistance...it feels great.
I like the thought of keeping it simple, no fancy boat, just enough to keep us afloat and safe.
Most of all, I like the thought of getting the opportunity to spend quiet, alone time with my kids.
I want to get to know them away from this environment...I want to be able to just be with them...no appointments, no therapy, no expectations, no other human beings...
I feel so caught up at times with our current schedule that I feel I loose touch with the kiddos at times.
I feel so obligated to do my own therapy on Kannon even when his therapists have left for the day.
It is all out of love and hope that Kannon can pull through this thing called Autism...
but I really don't want to forget how to just be a person with my kids too...not just a mommy, or the mother of a child with Autism.

I find when I really sit down and talk/listen to Kalena she is the happiest.
I find when I just cuddle up next to Kannon and let him just be is when he is happiest.

Unrealistic, perhaps.

I just like the metaphor of the downstream river, my 2 kiddos and nothing else.
I like the way it makes my heart feel.
I also like the idea as a mother to stop making resistance in Kannon's river. I feel at times as if I am stopping his boat, or trying to resist the journey for him...and it is out of fear, not love.
Maybe I should just let him float for awhile, see how it goes....give him that peace of the journey he has chosen for this life.
Just love him and stop being scared for him, and for myself.

I have learned with experience that when you act out of fear it is the emotionally "easy" way to deal with a situation.
Fear of loosing someone, fear of the unknown, fear of loosing control, fear of looking stupid...etc.
When you act out of love though...nothing could be better or more pure.
Easier said than done...but I am going to start.
That is my gift to myself.