Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Saturday, June 15, 2013

A love note to my dad...and to Kyle.

It was at my sisters dining room table.
I truly don't remember the date or year, but what matters is that my father was at the very cusp of his journey with Alzheimer's disease.
He knew it was coming. He was still in good mind that he saw the signs of what was to come.
He lost his mother to the disease and he knew....he knew Alzheimer's would eventually take his own life.

We had sat down together at the table just the two of us and talked for hours. Sadly I can't remember specifically all we talked about, but I know my heart will never forget a few of those things we did talk of.

For today, for this particular post I wanted to bring up one thing I do remember him saying very vividly.
He said he was sorry.
He apologized for what was about to come for our family, because he knew he had Alzheimer's.
He knew the pain, the emotional toll that would result of him having this disease.

Not only was he sorry for the disease that was consuming him, but he was sorry because he was a father.
He was a father, a husband, a brother, and a friend.
He knew the pain he was going to inflict, without his control and without his intent.

I never until now realized how incredibly painful all of this had to have been on my father.
I only knew how it felt for myself.
I never once thought about how hard it must have been for him to realize all of this, process the possibilities, and accept it without fail.
I was too selfish in my own grief that I never thought about his role as a father to have to say goodbye to his children...his wife...his friends...
This is the pain of life.
This is the raw truth of love.

Now that I am a parent, I understand.
I know how hard it must have been to digest all of this.
To realize you must leave your children...to leave them alone without being able to have a future with them.
To experience life with them.
To be a parent.

He had to leave.
He knew it was inevitable and he apologized.

Had I known the depth of this apology at the time I probably would have never been able to physically stand on my own feet and say goodbye to him.
I would have collapsed from the pain.

This is the love of a father.
Of a parent.

Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there that love with no walls.
To those of you who aren't afraid of showing your souls.
To those who allow pain, truth, and love be what matters above all else.

After my father died my life was turned upside down and only a select few truly saw the ugly repercussions of it all.
I was damaged.
I was beyond hurt, I was completely empty and truly worthless.
To admit this is very sad for me, but it is the truth.
It is a truth I accept now, and will never forget as a learning tool for my life to come.

It never fails in life that where there is pain and suffering, there is always light.
There is always something worth living for.

We tend to seek out what is missing in our lives in times of heartache and confusion.
What our souls crave we start looking for.
We seek the balance in life that we are missing...even if we don't know what it is we need.
We as humans still seek.

I was seeking laughter...light...something to help me forget the raw pain of loosing my father the way I did.
I wanted to remember laughter.
I wanted to feel the sheer delight of looking at someone/something with complete trust and to just laugh. To truly feel the innocence of being a child again.
To feel safe in my skin and to have someone to talk to again the way I could with my dad.

Enter Kyle.
The joy to my pain.
The person my soul was seeking to help ease the pain I was feeling.

We had known each other for years. We were always friends. I always loved him as a person.
He was kind, honest, and above all he always made me laugh.
Whenever I was around him I felt light...I felt innocently happy.
I wish for him people could truly understand all he has done for me, and for my kids.
I know my dad was watching over somehow, I know he brought Kyle back in my life for a reason.

People are brought into your life for reasons.
No matter the timing or circumstances they are there for a reason.

On the opposite end of that rainbow people also leave your life.
They leave for reasons we may never understand.

I now know the pain and reality of why my father would never want to leave me.
I never thought of it from his side.
Pain and loss can make a person selfish.
However, if you think about it from the other perspective it brings a new light to things.
It makes you a better, more balanced soul.

My father apologized that day at my sisters for having to leave me.
He knew he would never watch me be a mother.
He would never have the joy of being a grandparent.
He knew he was going to leave me before he wanted to.

I was lucky.
I had a father who I loved more than anything.
A father who was not too proud to show his soul.
One whom loved beyond boundaries and was never afraid to tell me how he felt.
One who loved me enough to tell me he was sorry. To tell me in advance to prepare for the inevitable...
I was lucky.

I am still lucky.
I was given a best friend out of all of this.
I was given the gift of laughter again.
I was shown how to love as a parent, as a person, and as a friend.

Man, woman, child, no matter...
Love is love.
If you love someone tell them.
No matter what the situation or circumstances.
Love will save a soul.
Honesty will save a soul, no matter how humbling.
I promise you that.

Thank you Dad.

Thank you Kyle.

Out of all the pain, the trials, the moments of loss.
I came out a better person because of your love.

Thank you to all you amazing father's, friends, humans out there.
You are truly doing life changing work.

Happy Fathers Day.