Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Friday, December 26, 2014

A tribute to 2014. A tribute to Void.

Containing no matter; empty. 
A vacuum.
To leave; vacate.

We all have voids in our lives. 

In our minds, our hearts, our perception of who we are. I'm clearly no expert, but what I have learned through trial and error over the years is that this is what tests our human spirit for growth.
To be very raw, here is the truth:

Year 2006: My marriage had started to fall apart. My son was showing signs of abnormal behaviors, my father was dying a slow death that had already started a few years prior.

Year 2007: My father died. I separated from my husband, my son was diagnosed with a brain disorder...still not clear what, but it was an initial diagnosis of what was to come. I moved out of my home and took my kids with me. No money. No clue. No family nearby to help.
Year 2008: My Grandmother died. My Grandfather died. My divorce was pending. My son was falling deeper into whatever it was that was going on in his brain. I was having a nervous breakdown. Legitimately lost my sense of who I was, what I needed, and why I was alive. 

I never hurt so much as I did after all these things happened. It was literally like a snowball effect of one thing after another...after another. It was an absolute mind fuck and life changer. 

When we "grow up" we rely so much on our past to be lessons of who to be, how to act. We look to those who raised us as a guide, as our lights to our dark times in life. I was clearly lost. I had no path. I had no light. Even though I was a mother, it didn't matter. I was still in my mind grieving. I started allowing the voids to consume me.
I lost all trust in me. I let go of any sense of reality and created my own. Using alcohol, no sleep, and emotional torture, I wrecked through the next 2 years of my life. It was ugly. Very, very ugly. 
I had no family physically here to rely on. I had 2 kids who were depending on me. I had no job, no time, and no desire to make myself better. 
I lied to those I loved. I believed my own lies to fill those voids. I created more pain to fill the pain I was already in. For whatever sadistic reason, pain felt good. It was the only thing I went back to every single day. More pain to fill the voids of the pain I was already in.

Now to the sane person this sounds ridiculous. It sounds pathetic, stupid, and self righteous. 

And, it was.

I can say that now without shame. Without regret. Without feeling ridiculous. 

I, the normally calm, rational, and quiet person saw the other side of my reality. 
I saw the potential of the human spirit and mind when it is pushed beyond it's own perceived abilities.

I only saw, felt, and acknowledged the voids.

I was empty.
Every day literally was a vacuum sucking the life and light out of me and instead of seeing that reality, I craved the pain of it. I wanted to feel emptier than I already was. 

I seek no pity, or validation. I only want to share my ugly truths in hopes it can help others who may be going through their own private pain and voids. If we cannot share truths like these, there will never be human growth or connection. I believe that with every fiber of me.

I now know that without truth, no matter how uncomfortable or non flattering it is will free your ability to move forward. You will push through anything in life, as long as you are honest with yourself and those you love.

I hope to share my experience with this so that others may choose a different path...and if they don't, I want them to know they aren't crazy, or weird for feeling like this.
The struggles may be different, but pain is pain. Void is Void. 
It all affects our daily existence and future. 

I, thank god made it out. I am a work in progress and this is one of the reasons I write...god knows if anyone actually reads any of this, but it doesn't matter. It is part of my journey and I hope someday my kids will read this and laugh, cry, cringe, etc...but at least they will know I was just a person. Not a super hero. Not made of steel. I bend, I break, and I found myself to be resilient. I was just doing my best every single day. I want them to know that their love and existence saved me. Some days were clear and much easier than others, but I kept pushing forward because of them.
I can honestly say today I am one of the luckiest gals around. I love my friends, family, and life SO much. It's not a  perfect life...but it is one built on a real foundation. A foundation of truths, lessons and perception that can only be gained through void.
Yes there were bridges that had to be rebuilt, and apologies that had to be made, personal acceptance to evolve, but eventually it all happened.
I have the best friends. The best sister. The best mom. The best KyKy. The best kids, all of them are my life savers.

I may not have my dad, or my grandparents or the son I thought I would. I may not have as much money as I may like. I may have a shit load of "good god whys"...BUT I know inherently that I am exactly where I need to be today. I went through what I did for a reason. I have the people in my life today for a reason. I have 2 beautiful kids that will grow up to be whatever it is they were destined to be. I have no control over that.

Once I learned that I have no control, but I do have choice, life became very clear and very beautiful...

The lessons came flowing and my heart took a deep breath. 

I may never see my son get married or have a family. I may never have a daughter that doesn't worry about everything. I may never find my happily ever after.

And that is o.k. Today, I can say that with a smile on my face and contentment in my heart. I don't panic when my reality is in my way. It is not a perceived reality anymore either, but one that is allowing me to learn, move forward, and make better choices.

What I do know is that there are monsters in life, there are castles, and there are journeys to be taken.

I wish that you take them all with an open heart. 

You will learn.
You will fill those voids in your heart and mind.

Voids can be a blessing. A necessary. A gift. 

I wish everyone a blessed 2015.

Make it awesome, and I hope if you do have any voids you choose to fill them with love...with light...with friends and family.
No matter how big or small your family or circle of friends is, the ones who are still standing by your side after the storm are the ones who matter. They will be your light during the dark times.

P.S. The world lost a beautiful light and life this year. Leslie was one of a kind. A truly happy soul that had life figured out. She already knew all these life lessons without doubt. I will honor you every day with sunshine and reminding myself to "Be Happy".

Love you Mel. Fill your voids with love...and some wine and cheese...she would want it that way :)