Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Saturday, April 24, 2010

the little things...

They really are what make day to day life.
Kannon had his training wheels removed today...for the second time...whatever, he is so proud.
I am so proud.
Kalena got some sassy new shoes with rhinestones and silver straps...I've never seen her run around so much and stop to look down at her feet in pride.
I got 7 hours of sleep last night, I feel great.
Kyle has been playing with Kalena all morning and they both are acting like 3 year old girls...screaming, laughing, fighting...it's hilarious.

These little things are what get me through each day.
I can't look at the big picture all the time or I would go crazy.
I can't think about the "what ifs" or the list of worries I have etched into my heart.

I love little things.

Enjoy yours today:)


Sunday, April 11, 2010

When to surrender...

Whether I should claim submission, or just surrender to all of this is heavy on my heart today.

Everyday is a "fight" of sorts living with Autism.
Fighting with patience, society, science...
Sadly, too, I fight with Kannon.

We don't duke it out by any means, however he is constantly testing me.
I am always having to redirect him, and 9 times out of 10 he hates me for that.

Yesterday we were outside and he was riding his bike.
I counted, and in the span of one minute Kannon said "look please"..."mommy"..."look"
47 times.
That pretty much means almost every second he was repeating these phrases over and over and over and over again.
Most of the time I am already looking at him, constantly watching him....something that has become a necessary thing for me, mostly for his own protection.
His brain just could not turn itself off though, even when I would try to redirect his verbal ticks, he would go right back to them within a split second.
When I did try to redirect him he would get mad at me, like I was trying to ruin his good moment.

Sometimes I feel so bad that after 10 minutes of this my nerves are literally burning under my skin.
I want to scream sometimes...just shake it out of him.
My heart pounds so hard sometimes just to keep my calm.
I am only human.
It does get annoying.
There is NEVER silence in our home....never....if you can imagine that.
Yet, I KNOW the poor baby cannot help it...he can't differentiate human social cues.

Kannon is always testing me.
Autism is always testing me.
The egocentric nature of this disorder is the ultimate test of human will.
I feel sometimes his soul wants to fight with mine.
What the purpose of it all is, I am trying to delicately figure out.
To surrender to this all would mean it is of my OWN WILL.
Should my will be stronger than my soul, or is it all the same?

I am very submissive to Kannon and to his needs.
I want to be.
I am his mother by my own will.
I love him.
I just hope I have enough fight left in me to last this lifetime.


Saturday, April 3, 2010

KOA center of hope...

I will write these in segments, as this is a life project of mine.
I want to open a center, a place that is built from love, hope and experience.
I want to utilize my design background and my experience with Autism to build a center that people can go to and spend the day, or an hour and walk out feeling better about life.
A place for support, and a place for education and resources.

My inspiration: Kannon and my father
My concept: A wishing well
My vision: A building built around a huge "wishing well" integrating the indoors/outdoors, gardens, play areas, therapy center and library.
My goal: To educate, inspire and instill hope within the soul.

Imagine the sound of nature around you...water, wind, trees rustling, sun shining...
You are in a beautiful roof top garden surrounded by the sounds of children, laughter, and in the center of it all there is a beautiful wishing well of sorts...it may look like a pond to some, and to others maybe a large calm pool of water.
You hold on your hand a small pebble/marble that is giving to you as a gift for visiting the center of hope...it is a symbol of anything your soul wants it to become.
You use it as your wish token, you can throw it into the well as a wish for yourself, for someone else, or simply as a show of support for the greater cause.
You can wish for whatever you want...as with "wishing wells" they can be a magical symbol for the soul.
They carry so much meaning to me, to my soul. I love how simple they are in concept, and how powerful they really can be if you allow the magic in.

Then picture being inside of this building...you are looking at a large aquarium like sculpture that is floor to ceiling, and you have no idea where the top of it is...you can see the sun light shining through to the bottom though.
You see a pebble floating down through the tank...slowly placing itself wherever it falls.

THIS is my goal.
Once someone visits this place of love, hope, support they will KNOW they are not alone.
They will KNOW that someone else cares and hopes for better things like they do.

By watching this pebble fall into the well, they know someone up top in the gardens above threw it into the wishing well... hoping, wishing, for wonderful things.
I know if I was there I would just stand at the bottom of the well and watch all the pebbles fall into the well and just cry....it would mean what I wanted validation for for so many years now.

So, this is part 1 of many entries to come in regards to a future goal I have.
A place I have dreamt about for years and have built in my mind.
A place that would encompass years of tears, creativity and soul searching.
A place that all humans can relate to whether they know Autism or not.

The KOA center of hope.