Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Monday, April 15, 2013

the car ride

As parents we all try to protect our children from pain.
We know pain as adults, and we know just how hard it can be at times to overcome pain.
Some never recover from painful moments in life, and I think this is what scares me as a parent...I never want my children to harbor pain and carry it with them forever.

This morning we were driving to school as we always do, pull up to the curb and park, then we sit in the car for a few minutes and talk about what a great day they will have at school learning and playing.
I think it's important to set the mood for the day even if we are all exhausted, grumpy or have a case of the Mondays...
As we sat in the car one of Kalena's classmates walked by and this is when Kalena put her head down and got really quiet.
I kept talking to Kannon knowing that she would either let whatever it was pass or she would say what it was that was on her mind.
She looked up a few minutes later with tears in her eyes and said "Mommy, (I will call this friend of Kalenas "Suzy") Suzy said the other day that Kannon was really weird"...
"She said that I have a weird brother and she didn't want to play with me"

Oh crap.
O.k. obviously this is not a surprise, I knew this would come up now that they go to the same school and have the same recess time.
Her friends would see Kannon and point out their juvenile observations that all kids do.

As we sat in silence for a moment Kannon got very quiet and started looking out the window.
Kalena was wiping away her tears and Kannon looked over at her reached out and grabbed her hand...
"It's o.k Kalena...I'm not weird." "Don't be sad".

We talked more about it until she came to her own conclusion that this was going to happen sometimes, and that all she can do is "stick up for Kannon", and not get her feelings hurt because other people "don't know him like I do".

No one ever really knows what goes on behind the scenes.
No one knows the battles people fight in silence.
No one can ever tell you what is truth, or make you feel bad for things they just don't understand.

Kalena will continue to forgive people in her life for their misunderstandings about her brother.
She will have to grow a thicker skin and lighter conscious.
I think Kannon is pretty lucky to have her as his best friend in this life...the fact that at her age she can cry for someone else is an amazing act of love.

Kannon was very quiet after grabbing Kalenas hand.
He was silent all the way down the hill that we walk every day to his class.
We said goodbye to Kalena as she walked off to her class, then we walked towards the bench to wait for his teacher.
He sat down, still quiet...I just sat next to him and waited.
He had pulled his hood over his head in the car so I couldn't see his face while we walked.
As his teacher came up and his other classmates I leaned in to say goodbye to him.
I pulled his hood down over his head and saw a red, teary eyed boy.
"Oh buddy, what's the matter"
"I'm not weird mamma...I'm a good boy...Kalenas sad because I'm weird."

We walked over to the side and talked for a few minutes until the tears stopped...until he got back on his feet again and was ready to move forward with his day.

Some people have to experience hurdles in life earlier than others, and some fall down more then others.
As a parent it can be very tough to watch and experience...
But what we have to remember is that it's their journey, not ours.
These are their lessons to learn.
Even if we can't use words to talk about feelings, your action of just listening and looking at them while they "talk" to you in their own way is still love.
Watching your child fall down either metaphorically or physically is hard. Sometimes though it can be good to allow them to get up on their own...we can be right next to them without interfering.
All we can do is love them every day with arms and ears wide open just in case they need somewhere to fall.


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

"Happy" Autism Day, a love note to my boy

How do I translate pain into love?
How can so many years of pain translate into a beautiful experience?


You came into this world with it, and you will leave this world with it.
More importantly, what you have chosen to do with it is something that has changed my heart forever.

You have fought harder than anyone I know for yourself.
You never gave up, and through the struggle and tears you always chose to fight for yourself...you taught me how to fight for myself and my happiness.
I have never seen such a beautiful soul filled with so much love and kindness.
Thank you for showing a jaded self how to find the beauty in life.
You really do believe in happily ever after, in the magic of life...especially when I had given up on it.
You actually do stop to smell the roses and skip while you run...you helped me slow down and live.
You love all interaction with people no matter how brief it is...when usually in the past I would avoid most strangers, I now welcome the small talk.

The ways you have touched my heart and opened my mind are endless...you broke through to a very hurt, very confused soul that needed guidance and love.
You saved me in more ways I can communicate...ironic since I am supposed to be the one who can talk, you talk worlds more than I ever could...in your own language.

Through your energy, your light, and your presence in my life I have no choice but to be better.

I just don't know how to thank you.
So just as I have been trying for the past 9 years, I will continue to try to do better every day.
For you, and for the example you have already set in such a brief time...
I will continue to bring awareness of your life, your struggles, and more importantly your beauty that makes you amazing.
You get enough hardships out there in your playground of life.
I've seen you pushed off a playground, laughed at, get sand thrown at and dumped on, called retarded, stupid, weird...it's all too painful to keep writing, you deserve better.
Yet through it all you came out shining...you still believed in happily ever after.
Simply amazing.

If I didn't know better I would think you had already lived twenty lifetimes, and I was blessed to have you in this one.

So today, and every day I will "Light it up Blue", Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Indigo and Violet...

Someday others will see your beautiful rainbow as I do.
I know you will keep singing your tune and teaching my soul...

thank you.

peace :)

*Make sure you have the volume turned up before pressing play on the video...