Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

defining days

Patience: good-natured tolerance of delay or incompetence
Incompetence: lack of physical or intellectual ability or qualifications

:a condition that is the inspiration for an activity or situation; "necessity is the mother of invention"

To be the best mother I can be to Kannon I must have above anything in this world, patience.

I must be patient with his behaviors.
I must be patient with his defiance.
I must be patient with the big picture here....that Kannon has little to no control over aspects of his life.

This all makes a recipe for such an opportunity.
My last post touched base on a bad day...one of many.
Today I wanted to share the outcome of such days.

Introspection: the contemplation of your own thoughts and desires and conduct

So this is where I am...today....not in a month.

I have realized the path I have chosen in this life is not an easy one.
I know that I chose Kannon, and he chose me.
I love that he trusted me enough to put his life in my hands.
I am frustrated that I cannot be on my "A" game every day.
I understand that without struggle and raw emotion I will not grow.

I like the definition I found of "mother"...:a condition that is the inspiration for an activity or situation; "necessity is the mother of invention"

I like to think of myself as a "condition", rather than something so concrete...at least in societies mind(s).
I like to know that I can affect someone...that I can be the inspiration for something of greater good.
I like to think that a true "mother" is by definition someone she has become out of inspiration...
I like to think of it all as one big constant circle of evolution...whether it be emotional or physical, we must evolve.

I think inspiration can come from almost anything...even a really bad day...when you pick yourself back up....

Out of necessity.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bad days...we all have them.

One of the great, yet unexpected perks of writing this blog is all the positive and loving feedback I get....
I have been told how inspiring I am, how great of a mother I am...just so many flattering and thoughtful comments.
I am obviously grateful and flattered by it all, and today I wanted to share a side of me that may not be so flattering.

Lately Kannon has been beyond Thunder dome so to speak....he has absolutely been behaving out of control and most of the time beyond my patience levels.
I don't have the slightest clue why his behaviors have been sky high, but I can tell you I have really had to dig deeper than usual lately.

I have to constantly remind myself of all I stand for...
I have found myself really tired, completely exhausted, and sometimes loosing my temper with him.
I really try not to raise my voice at Kannon, but sometimes (especially lately) there really is no other choice.
I hate that I feel so impatient sometimes.
I hate that I cannot get through to my son.
I HATE that even when I raise my voice at him he looks at me with no reaction and continues to do what he is doing.
I hate that sometimes I just want to shake all of this out of him...make him O.K.

I never knows if he is ever really hearing me.
I never know what he is thinking, and if he knows what is truly going on around him.
I often find myself feeling as if I am talking to myself all day...because honestly that is what it feels like at times.

The other night after hours and hours of tantrums I was sitting at the kitchen counter on my computer looking at the news, and Kannon was in his usual hyper active mode....aka, not being able to sit down for a minute, talking non stop, yelling, not listening, etc...
He had asked me about 30 times to "look please" while he was jumping on the couch throwing his buzz lightyear around in the air, and quite frankly after looking for the first 5 times I was over it.
SO, he reverted to asking our dog, Koda to "look please".

Does he know that he is talking to a sleeping dog?
Or let's be honest...that he is talking to a DOG.

At first I thought it was cute.
Kannon just wanted a friend to interact with...to talk to...that is all he really ever wants.
Then, I found myself getting sad for him.
He is talking to a dog.
As I write this it brings tears to my eyes...my baby boy talks to our dog asking her to play with him...to be his friend.
It is so sad.

I am SO tired of being sad for my child.
His disorder constantly pulls at every single heart string I have and it is exhausting.
It is so exhausting to have so much empathy and compassion for someone that it literally consumes your entire being....everything. My thoughts, my actions, my well being.
Autism has consumed me.

As I have mentioned in the past, the looks, the stares, the constant need to watch Kannon...I am tired of it right now...truly exhausted.
The public affect it has on ones soul to raise a child with Autism...it is something I can't explain in words.
It is like having a Tasmanian devil in a fine china store.
A beautiful little person always with you, always needing your attention, always in your head.
You have to be their best friend, their advocate, their parent, their punching bag, even their thought process.

I am tired of Autism right now.
It has pushed me beyond my head...beyond my abilities.

I know I will pick myself back up and continue on with grace and joy, but I will allow myself times like this too...times that are perfectly imperfect in this life.
Times that I hope are pushing me beyond my own worldly knowledge of why, what and how?
Times that I hope will push the interior of my soul and make it that much bigger for Kannon, because god knows...he needs it.