Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bad days...we all have them.

One of the great, yet unexpected perks of writing this blog is all the positive and loving feedback I get....
I have been told how inspiring I am, how great of a mother I am...just so many flattering and thoughtful comments.
I am obviously grateful and flattered by it all, and today I wanted to share a side of me that may not be so flattering.

Lately Kannon has been beyond Thunder dome so to speak....he has absolutely been behaving out of control and most of the time beyond my patience levels.
I don't have the slightest clue why his behaviors have been sky high, but I can tell you I have really had to dig deeper than usual lately.

I have to constantly remind myself of all I stand for...
I have found myself really tired, completely exhausted, and sometimes loosing my temper with him.
I really try not to raise my voice at Kannon, but sometimes (especially lately) there really is no other choice.
I hate that I feel so impatient sometimes.
I hate that I cannot get through to my son.
I HATE that even when I raise my voice at him he looks at me with no reaction and continues to do what he is doing.
I hate that sometimes I just want to shake all of this out of him...make him O.K.

I never knows if he is ever really hearing me.
I never know what he is thinking, and if he knows what is truly going on around him.
I often find myself feeling as if I am talking to myself all day...because honestly that is what it feels like at times.

The other night after hours and hours of tantrums I was sitting at the kitchen counter on my computer looking at the news, and Kannon was in his usual hyper active mode....aka, not being able to sit down for a minute, talking non stop, yelling, not listening, etc...
He had asked me about 30 times to "look please" while he was jumping on the couch throwing his buzz lightyear around in the air, and quite frankly after looking for the first 5 times I was over it.
SO, he reverted to asking our dog, Koda to "look please".

Does he know that he is talking to a sleeping dog?
Or let's be honest...that he is talking to a DOG.

At first I thought it was cute.
Kannon just wanted a friend to interact with...to talk to...that is all he really ever wants.
Then, I found myself getting sad for him.
He is talking to a dog.
As I write this it brings tears to my eyes...my baby boy talks to our dog asking her to play with him...to be his friend.
It is so sad.

I am SO tired of being sad for my child.
His disorder constantly pulls at every single heart string I have and it is exhausting.
It is so exhausting to have so much empathy and compassion for someone that it literally consumes your entire being....everything. My thoughts, my actions, my well being.
Autism has consumed me.

As I have mentioned in the past, the looks, the stares, the constant need to watch Kannon...I am tired of it right now...truly exhausted.
The public affect it has on ones soul to raise a child with Autism...it is something I can't explain in words.
It is like having a Tasmanian devil in a fine china store.
A beautiful little person always with you, always needing your attention, always in your head.
You have to be their best friend, their advocate, their parent, their punching bag, even their thought process.

I am tired of Autism right now.
It has pushed me beyond my head...beyond my abilities.

I know I will pick myself back up and continue on with grace and joy, but I will allow myself times like this too...times that are perfectly imperfect in this life.
Times that I hope are pushing me beyond my own worldly knowledge of why, what and how?
Times that I hope will push the interior of my soul and make it that much bigger for Kannon, because god knows...he needs it.



  1. I love reading about your days with the kids. I wish I was closer so I could come over and talk to the dog with Kannon while you went on a mommy only field trip. We have taken to dressing the dog up in costumes around here. It is more fun then a baby because she just sits there, and doesn't argue. XOXO

  2. I just happened upon this post today and it is truly inspiring. It shows a side of us mothers with a ASD child in our true vunerable forms. Your part about the public brought tears to my eyes. The truth of what our children and ourselves go through in public is heartwrenching. Their are times I just want to scream for people to leave us alone and stop starring. My son turned 6 last month and somedays I have no clue how we will make it to 7! I am very tired, also. Please know that your words provided comfort during a time for me when I felt alone in this and that noone truly understood.

  3. Please keep writing... and know that your truth and honesty is a fresh breathe of air... I needed it tonight.

  4. I hear you, I know exactly how you feel and I thought you articulated it beautifully into words. I have 5 children, 3 boys and 2 girls. All three of my sons have Autism, 2 are nonverbal and use PECS one is echolalic and repeats movie lines all day. The amount of work it takes to keep this house and these children running and still keep my sanity is unreal at times. It is hard to stay positive and keep a smile on my face and have the patience that I want to have with everyone. All I can say to you is keep on keepin on. I feel it helps to take each day as it comes, its when I look ahead and try to look into the future that it gets even more overwhelming so I just get up every day and say it's going to be the best day I can make it today.