Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A very tough goodbye.

It's almost like that picture or painting you hung on your wall years ago, that you walk by every day and glance at while moving through life...
It is a constant in your world, a constant image that provides stability within an unstable world.
You know it's there and you love it, hence why you put it there in the first place...to be admired and to show a glimpse into what your soul wants to express.

Sometimes you may look at it for inspiration...
For serenity.
To bring you back to why you chose it in the first place...why you thought it was worthwhile of hanging in your home.
It becomes part of your life fabric.
It exists and it expresses itself without words.
It is beautiful.

There are things/people/life sources that come into our lives for many different reasons.
Some stay for a day, others for years.
Sometimes they leave by their own choice.
Sometimes we push them out.
Whatever the reason we loose things that come into our lives, it is for a reason.
A choice perhaps, by both parties and not always reciprocal.
Like pictures on our wall, some stay hanging for awhile while others we change out because they no longer suit our "taste"...

I do know that in my crazy everyday world there have been very few constants.
Things that I can walk by in life and always know will be there...for my enjoyment, my happiness, my comfort.

One constant has been my dog.
I have had Cisco, my old man for 14 years now.
I also have a lovely, crazy lab...she just turned 2...didn't want her to feel left out :)

Cisco has been there through quite a lot in my life.
My constant in life.
14 Years of friendship, and as we know with dogs...pure, honest love.
He has been my beautiful painting hanging on my wall of life.
Always inspiring, always steady, and always there for my peace of heart.
He has always been here, even when I have taken his existence for granted...because my life got the best of me...because I was too overwhelmed to give him that extra scratch on the head or rub on his belly.
No matter where I was in my life, he never changed.
He always loved me.
Always wanted my love, time and affection...and if he didn't receive it as much as he wanted he was still there the next day to try.

We humans are so lucky.
So lucky to experience true friendship and love through these animals.

For whatever reasons, this is what has been going through my heart about what I have to do tomorrow.

I have to say goodbye to my old man of 14 years.
I have to make the decision that my aching heart is not as important as his dignity.
I owe him that much...and so much more than I could ever repay in one lifetime.

Someone told me that true love is letting those you really love free...
Letting them fly again.

I know that tomorrow Cisco will be young again...
He will be flying high and free.

Goodbye my friend, my constant reminder of love and loyalty...and thank you for blessing my walls of life with one of the most beautiful pictures my heart will never forget.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012


I've learned so much over the years being in the situation/life that I am in.
Overall I am grateful, happy, and love waking up to each new day with my family and friends.

I think one of the most important lessons I have learned is that when the heart hurts, the head will take over...and when your head hurts or is full of confusing thoughts, the heart will take over.
That we all put up walls in our lives, and we also all have walls to break down.

You have to be able to let things go.
Take a deep breath and inhale the blessings all around you.
They truly are there if you choose to see them.

I have watched my beautiful children grow into human beings, exploring their world and learning new things every day.
I have learned to let go of their hands a little more each day...to just let them be.
Slowly but surely I have learned that without trust in the process and the people I have chosen to have in my life I will never move forward.
I have learned that forward motion is vital to life.
When things have become stagnant, or sticky, I simply remember that without courage and hope for better moments there is nothing.

I love that people are different.
Different views of life, different ways of doing daily routines.
It brings a sense of movement to the atmosphere of life.
I have learned from watching others.
Out of respect, out of love, and out of sheer curiosity I have seen the beauty that lies within each human spirit...no matter how different it may be by my perception.

I have decided to not define things anymore.
I feel it limits my outlook.
It pushes my heart inward and it feels wrong...
This has truly helped me get through some very tough moments in my life.

I still close my eyes and revisit moments I had with my father, grandmother, and grandfather, who have all passed on... I allow myself private moments like this to reflect and remember the good times.
I choose to honor them in my own way.
I choose to not let grief consume my heart.
I honor their beautiful, different lives and doing so gives me strength and insight to my own present moments.

I am still so young and have so much to learn.
I do know that thus far my journey has been full of challenges and heavy, heart pressing moments...
I can only hope that I will continue to find beauty in all of this.
That my perspective stays in a forward moving motion.
That I will continue to find other people who may be complete strangers, beautiful for what they do.

The other day I watched Kannon get laughed at over and over for his "odd" behaviors at the beach.
The stares, pointing, and verbal ridicule.
In the past this used to tear at my heart and anger would consume every part of my being...
This time however I just watched Kannon.
I didn't care about anyone else.
I watched to see if he was absorbing any of this.

He looked up a few times at some boys who were laughing and staring and he choose to wave hello and tell them "it's a beautiful day"...

This little man and his actions have helped bring me to where I am today.

Let it go, smile, and realize every day is beautiful in it's own way.

You cannot control what other people think, or for that matter let it affect your journey at all...
At the end of the day what they think or say makes no difference in the matters of how your heart develops or grows.
Sometimes other peoples actions or decisions affect us whether we like it or not, and these are the times we have to really dig and search for the greater picture...for the solidity of what walls we want to push and how hard we want to push at all.
And as I have stated before, we get to define what walls we put up and what they are made of...what we are made of to tear them down is completely up to our own choosing.

I have the honor of watching a little soul who chooses his walls be made of beautiful silk...always moving, fluid and flowing...easy to break down...and always of his own creation.

I wish for everyone to find beautiful walls that are worth putting up, simply for the purpose of finding the beauty in them, and the beauty in watching them fall down.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Hoping for the uncanny to shed some light...

In short, as a follow up to my last post Kannon was unbelievably denied for any ABA services through his Health Insurance.

I feel as if this is becoming all too routine with this whole path.
Just like 5 years ago when Regional Center denied Kannon for services as well.

Apparently he is either "too Autistic" or "not severe enough"...
Whatever the hell those statements mean.
It varies from "professional" to "professional".

So, here we are.
I don't want to say I am feeling stuck, because I don't.
I am just at the point in things that I want to feel things out...if that makes any sense at all.

I don't want to get upset or feel defeated anymore.
It takes too much of a toll.
Proof being the 2 days after Kannon was denied services I had the worst migraine ever and that was followed up by a few days of sore throats and ear aches...my body was just shutting down, it was tired.

I made all the phone calls I felt necessary.
I spoke with 3 different lawyers with no satisfactory result or resolution.
I did find out a lot of helpful information and assurance that if I did push a case against the Insurance company it would be a strong one.
I unfortunately don't have thousands of dollars sitting around to pay a lawyer to push the case...but I am still trying to find one that will work pro bono...wish me luck ;)

I spent another couple of days on the phone again with the Insurance company trying like hell to get as much as I could in writing and as much information possible on anything, anything at all that they had documented on how they were handling this new law and their patients rights, etc.
As of today I have one piece of paper coming to me.


Yesterday as I was sitting with Kannon at the table after dinner I just stared at him...
Half of it was one of those loving mommy stares at the beautiful little person we fight so hard for and do what we do...
The other half was out of sheer exhaustion and just spacing out.

Kannon: "Momma, you tired?"
Me: "Yes baby I am pretty tired...hey buddy can I ask you something?"
Kannon: "what is it?"
Me: "Remember when we went to the doctor the other day?"
K: "Yes, I drew, I sat and no shots"...Kannon always has to be reassured that he will not be getting shots when we go to the doctors...
Me: "Well she told mommy that you could no longer have your friends come over to help you"
K: "uh huh..."
Me: "So, what do you think mommy should do?" "Should I fight it or just let it go..."

There was about a 2 minute reflective pause...
Kannon looked down at his artwork, stopped drawing and just stared at me...but not a blank stare, it was as if he was trying to read my face...trying to see what my eyes were saying to him.

K: "Momma, just let it go..."
He proceeds to raise his arms up in the air take a deep breath and say it again..."Let it go..."
Me: "Yeah buddy but sometimes you have to fight to get the right answer"
Me: "Sometimes fighting isn't a bad thing if you don't physically hurt someone"

Another pause.

K: "Let it go...you will get hurt...you will cry...let it go"

I am going to believe that in this brief conversation with Kannon he knew exactly what we were talking about, that he had been listening to all the phone conversations I had and all the talks I had with Kyle at night in tears...
I am going to believe that he understood all that has been going on and all that has been said in front of him while he sits and draws his art and sings his songs to himself.
I will believe that he does know what is best for himself...when to fight, and when to let it go...
And I have to believe that through times like these I have the insight and patience to make the right choice for Kannon and his future.
I believe our conversations will continue to help me out...Kannon's insight on life remains to be uncanny.

After all, believing all of this makes me smile and god knows I needed to.

peace :)