Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Hoping for the uncanny to shed some light...

In short, as a follow up to my last post Kannon was unbelievably denied for any ABA services through his Health Insurance.

I feel as if this is becoming all too routine with this whole path.
Just like 5 years ago when Regional Center denied Kannon for services as well.

Apparently he is either "too Autistic" or "not severe enough"...
Whatever the hell those statements mean.
It varies from "professional" to "professional".

So, here we are.
I don't want to say I am feeling stuck, because I don't.
I am just at the point in things that I want to feel things out...if that makes any sense at all.

I don't want to get upset or feel defeated anymore.
It takes too much of a toll.
Proof being the 2 days after Kannon was denied services I had the worst migraine ever and that was followed up by a few days of sore throats and ear aches...my body was just shutting down, it was tired.

I made all the phone calls I felt necessary.
I spoke with 3 different lawyers with no satisfactory result or resolution.
I did find out a lot of helpful information and assurance that if I did push a case against the Insurance company it would be a strong one.
I unfortunately don't have thousands of dollars sitting around to pay a lawyer to push the case...but I am still trying to find one that will work pro bono...wish me luck ;)

I spent another couple of days on the phone again with the Insurance company trying like hell to get as much as I could in writing and as much information possible on anything, anything at all that they had documented on how they were handling this new law and their patients rights, etc.
As of today I have one piece of paper coming to me.


Yesterday as I was sitting with Kannon at the table after dinner I just stared at him...
Half of it was one of those loving mommy stares at the beautiful little person we fight so hard for and do what we do...
The other half was out of sheer exhaustion and just spacing out.

Kannon: "Momma, you tired?"
Me: "Yes baby I am pretty tired...hey buddy can I ask you something?"
Kannon: "what is it?"
Me: "Remember when we went to the doctor the other day?"
K: "Yes, I drew, I sat and no shots"...Kannon always has to be reassured that he will not be getting shots when we go to the doctors...
Me: "Well she told mommy that you could no longer have your friends come over to help you"
K: "uh huh..."
Me: "So, what do you think mommy should do?" "Should I fight it or just let it go..."

There was about a 2 minute reflective pause...
Kannon looked down at his artwork, stopped drawing and just stared at me...but not a blank stare, it was as if he was trying to read my face...trying to see what my eyes were saying to him.

K: "Momma, just let it go..."
He proceeds to raise his arms up in the air take a deep breath and say it again..."Let it go..."
Me: "Yeah buddy but sometimes you have to fight to get the right answer"
Me: "Sometimes fighting isn't a bad thing if you don't physically hurt someone"

Another pause.

K: "Let it go...you will get hurt...you will cry...let it go"

I am going to believe that in this brief conversation with Kannon he knew exactly what we were talking about, that he had been listening to all the phone conversations I had and all the talks I had with Kyle at night in tears...
I am going to believe that he understood all that has been going on and all that has been said in front of him while he sits and draws his art and sings his songs to himself.
I will believe that he does know what is best for himself...when to fight, and when to let it go...
And I have to believe that through times like these I have the insight and patience to make the right choice for Kannon and his future.
I believe our conversations will continue to help me out...Kannon's insight on life remains to be uncanny.

After all, believing all of this makes me smile and god knows I needed to.

peace :)

1 comment:

  1. As pure as our kids' souls are, they have the ability to weed out the unnecessary and see what's left and what's important for them and for us, our sanity, our peace of mind, our well-being. Kannon is no exception. Your little man is taking care of you as much as you are doing your hardest to fight for him. Still the question remains, where does the line end to stop and to go on fighting? We pray for signs. And they are all around. Yours seem to be in the wisdom of Kannon. :-) Your courage to carry on, your decision to be optimistic in all things despite the shadowy prospects of what you are fighting for inspires and strengthens me and all the other parents out there. You are the very manifestation of resilience, Kary. Kannon will be alright because of you. I am sure of it. Tight Hugs!