Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Monday, January 21, 2013

When life hands you casserole...

Just like sitting in a moving car, watching the landscape zoom by...
You are there, present in the moment, yet things are passing you by faster than you can focus on.
The bigger picture is passing you by as you sit still, focused on the present.

Sometimes this is how my life feels.
My head buzzes from time to time when I try to focus in on the "things" flashing by around me.
Things: responsibilities, bills to pay, errands to run, laundry to do, calls to make, papers to fill out, claims to file, dinners to cook, and maybe...just maybe a hot shower...

Funny how things can completely consume your time and energy, yet you feel you are at a complete standstill in your life.
Watching life zoom pass you through your window of life.

I watch Kannon sometimes as he sits in his room drawing incessantly.
The motion of his hand going all around the paper...like a mad scientist trying to figure out the last part of his formula.
It is mesmerizing to watch.
Watching a child's brain work things out in any way it can...the only way it can right now for Kannon.
He can draw.
Blessed he is to have this ability.

His brain fights his body every day for freedom.
Or maybe it's vice versa.
Either way, Autism proves we all need our outlets...our freedom from our own minds.

Things do get overwhelming, no matter how big or small picture they may be.
That is all a matter of perspective...dividing the significance of the two.
Big or small, it is our own life perspective that our minds must deal with.

Sometimes I wonder if I over complicate things in my life.
I wonder if I am over thinking my impulses that over take my mind.
Do I really care what others people think of me...of my choices in life...how I am living my life?
Do I seek impossible results that are merely swimming around in mediocrity...and is mediocrity a bad thing?
Sometimes I feel as if I try too hard to find things more beautiful or grander than they may be...

The other day Kannon was sitting at the table drawing and humming the theme song to his current movie a la mode..."Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka..."
I was sitting next to him on the computer going over monthly bills, obviously stressed and rubbing my eyes raw out of pure physical reaction to stress...it really is lovely...I think I gave myself pink eye.
Anyways, we had been sitting together for about 20 minutes each in our own little world.
All of a sudden Kannon grabs my arm just as I am about to rub my eyes again and says "Stop it...momma you making your eyes sick"
"You feeling ok momma?"
I replied with a simple, "Yes buddy, I'm fine...just tired"

He put down his crayon, put both his hands on my face and said to me...
"Momma you're beautiful...don't be sad...don't be sick anymore...it's o.k...it's o.k..."
"Don't make your beautiful eyes sad momma..."
"Let's draw a princess"

Well amen Kannon.
Maybe I should stop and draw a princess.

Funny thing is, after I did stop, draw a princess and just be in that moment with Kannon I felt better.
I didn't have to think about mediocrity, bills, responsibilities, plans....
None of that crap mattered while I was drawing my princess.

I really don't know if there is a grand lesson in this rambling.
I just wanted to share how my brain works one day while living with Autism...and living with my beautiful son, who I know for sure is anything but mediocre.

God finds beauty in vanilla, in the bland casserole of everyday life.
Sometimes we have to shift through the "vanilla" of life to find colors...to find what lies ahead.
I can say with certainty that Kannon has taught me this:
He has taught me to look further, to dig deeper, and to know inherently that there is always more to things than what it may seem to be...even when you feel you have been trekking forever.
Not necessarily always on a grand scale, but on a scale that can always teach you something if you let it.

Sometimes I guess I feel as my life is zooming by without my consent.
I feel so very out of control sometimes, especially with Autism and my son.
I never know if I am doing the right thing...there is never enough research I can do to find the right answers...and I can't talk to him and get an answer of how he really is feeling through all of this.
All I can do is pray that the "casserole" I choose to make every day is enough.
Enough to get Kannon through to something grand in his life...something he will be happy with, something that will bring him peace.

I think for now I just need to remind myself that life is just a big ride.
One that passes by you every day with different speeds, flavors, experiences...
I can be thankful for who is taking this ride with me though, and for that I truly am very lucky and exactly where I want to be.

SO thank you Kannon, Kalena, Ky, Koda.
Thank you for being part of my casserole :)

Be thankful for your casserole, remind those in your life how much you love them...
Life does pass by way too fast without any certainty and with mediocrity.
And that is o.k...no, it's beautiful.