Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Sunday, April 11, 2010

When to surrender...

Whether I should claim submission, or just surrender to all of this is heavy on my heart today.

Everyday is a "fight" of sorts living with Autism.
Fighting with patience, society, science...
Sadly, too, I fight with Kannon.

We don't duke it out by any means, however he is constantly testing me.
I am always having to redirect him, and 9 times out of 10 he hates me for that.

Yesterday we were outside and he was riding his bike.
I counted, and in the span of one minute Kannon said "look please"..."mommy"..."look"
47 times.
That pretty much means almost every second he was repeating these phrases over and over and over and over again.
Most of the time I am already looking at him, constantly watching him....something that has become a necessary thing for me, mostly for his own protection.
His brain just could not turn itself off though, even when I would try to redirect his verbal ticks, he would go right back to them within a split second.
When I did try to redirect him he would get mad at me, like I was trying to ruin his good moment.

Sometimes I feel so bad that after 10 minutes of this my nerves are literally burning under my skin.
I want to scream sometimes...just shake it out of him.
My heart pounds so hard sometimes just to keep my calm.
I am only human.
It does get annoying.
There is NEVER silence in our home....never....if you can imagine that.
Yet, I KNOW the poor baby cannot help it...he can't differentiate human social cues.

Kannon is always testing me.
Autism is always testing me.
The egocentric nature of this disorder is the ultimate test of human will.
I feel sometimes his soul wants to fight with mine.
What the purpose of it all is, I am trying to delicately figure out.
To surrender to this all would mean it is of my OWN WILL.
Should my will be stronger than my soul, or is it all the same?

I am very submissive to Kannon and to his needs.
I want to be.
I am his mother by my own will.
I love him.
I just hope I have enough fight left in me to last this lifetime.


1 comment:

  1. You are probably one of the strongest person I know and most importantly one of the greatest mother any child can ask for. If another life and time was possible and existed, I would have loved and cherished calling you "mom" along side Kannon and Kalena.