Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Friday, February 17, 2012

Restricting my inner dialogue. Putting my pride aside...

Plain and simple.
I do it every day being Kannon's mother.
Honestly, I am fine with it...I have become accustomed to the feeling of "sucking it up" for the greater good...for the benefit of Kannon.

It does get tiring though, and man does it sting sometimes.
It stings when you are sitting in a meeting on your sons behalf with a group of "professionals" and you get a mouthful of rude talk because they are automatically defensive with any parent.
I have found that a lot of those who deal with parents with special needs children come in with their best defense up only because some parents really can be harsh, rude, and snippy while fighting for our kids.
And vice versa...I get both sides.

What I do not get is how the bigger picture of trying to collaborate towards a positive outcome for everyone would not take precedence over any emotion or action.
Why instead one would chose to be rude, offensive, and very unprofessional.

And in the end I am left with the sting of these words all because I want the best for my child.
I suck it up so that there will be no repercussions on Kannons behalf.
Unfortunately from experience I have seen it before, hence why I rarely express my inner most dialogue even if it requires the most ninja like self control tactics.

Maybe this makes me appear to be a push over, or someone who seems to lack the ability to defend myself...
Kind of like the appearance of one who has Autism.
But we know better don't we.

I just have to be better than them.
I have to put aside what runs through my head and heart because of people who truly misunderstand my entire situation and intent.
It truly is a glimpse into Kannon's everyday life.
He does this all the time...and to imagine how much pain he has had to internalize and sort through at such a young age is just beyond my grasp.

It is a collaborative love.
A collaborative relationship that will carry us through the hardest of times...
It is the reality of the fight we go through for what is rightfully ours.

And thank god for good friends...for other mothers who have had to sit exactly where I did and deal with the political nonsense that we have to for the benefit of our children...
For without being able to vent to them afterwards I would have already lost my mind.

Here's to the daily fights we endure on behalf of our children because we have to...because our child can't speak for themselves...because we can only hope we are doing the right thing.


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