The hardest thing about being Kannon's mother is reminding myself that I need to take time for me.
I need to allow myself selfish moments and actions that are done without hesitation or guilt.
I have come to a place that I allow myself to inhale all the blessings around me and to act upon certain impulses that arise.
I allow myself to be free.
To be happy.
I have found in the past that it was near impossible to allow anything for me.
To let myself have a certain thought or object I wanted to have...
I just put myself in auto pilot mode and in the mind set that I was there only to care for and protect Kannon.
How wrong I was in not allowing myself to continue what every human deserves and needs to grow.
I wasn't allowing the universe to do it's magic that I hoped for internally every single day.
The honest truth was that I didn't think I deserved it.
I didn't think that because my beautiful son had chosen the path he did that I wasn't allowed my own path too.
I was literally walking behind him on his path every single step.
Now I know I should have been walking my own path near his...still within reach, still within sight...but my own path...not his.
As a parent this may be the toughest thing to allow in our hearts.
It may take a lot of running into your own child on their path before you realize you really aren't helping them at all...you are forgetting your own birth right by not walking your own path.
I recently read an article that broke down all emotions within me and lead me to a higher place of compassion and hope for Autism.
I read about a mother here in California who after caring for her son with Autism for over 20 years decided she could no longer handle it.
I obviously do not and will not speculate on the "whys", but a piece of my heart did go out to her past life and what she did for her son every single day.
This mother felt so alone and helpless that the only alternative in her mind was to kill her son, then herself.
I still close my eyes every now and then since reading this story and pray for her soul...for her son's soul.
May they now be at peace.
I do the same thing every single day for myself and every other person who is raising a child with Autism.
I pray for peace, hope, and a better tomorrow.
I hope someday we all can walk our own paths and feel the earth beneath us...
Feel grounded, feel the sunlight warm our souls as we journey through this life.
Be happy and know that we can walk beside our children without the fear and worry of them falling behind, or falling down.
As some of us know with Autism the fears are everywhere and come up every hour of every day...
All the unknowns are very unsettling and can knock you off balance, but as long as there is solid ground to fall on we can always get up and continue...to keep moving forward on our own pace.
I will be taking some time off from my blog,
All is wonderful, and I will be back soon...
I just need some time to walk my own path.