Some days I just want to kick Autism in the balls.
Excuse the classy choice of words, but it's true.
Whenever I walk into a room filled with kids playing, laughing, sitting in groups socializing and there in the back I see Kannon sitting by himself at a table with paper drawing his fairy tale creations...
Whenever I drop him off at school, or take him to a playground and watch him walk up to his peers and within a few seconds they walk away. Then watch Kannon walk off and play by himself still smiling...
When I see how beautiful of a soul Kannon came into this world with.
When I watch him cry in frustration because he can't get his point or emotion(s) across.
While every morning I bathe/shower him, brush his teeth and help him get dressed, then looks at me and says "thank you mamma".
When I watch him watch other kids playing with a sparkle in his eyes.
When he was pushed off the top of a playground after trying to play with other kids.
When he happily waved goodbye to a boy who dumped sand on his head and called him "retarded"...then thanked the boy for playing with him.
After sitting up at nights thinking about what will happen to him when I leave. Who will take care of him. Who will love him. Who will he have to love...
Autism is overwhelming.
At times I ignore it, other times I look it dead on and fight.
I believe in making the best of what you are given, no matter the pain it causes.
We are all much stronger than we may know, or want to know...and sometimes you are tested more than you ever wanted to be in life.
There are times in life you have to let go of pain.
You have to move on for the best of your heart.
You have to forgive, but you don't have to forget.
I know my decisions in my life up to today have all been perfect for me.
They may seem selfish, or stupid or even strong.
It doesn't matter how they are perceived.
What matters is that I am doing the right thing for my soul...for my future.
What matters is that I have a son with Autism.
I also have a daughter that is trying to find her way in our family with all she has had to deal with at such a young age...she is doing beautifully.
I have myself who has been broken, built up again and tries every day to find the simple beauties in life.
I have a small support system of family and friends who are everything to me and I make sure they know that.
Big picture, Autism has defined a lot of who I am today...but it has not consumed me. It has never forced me to do anything or made me make bad choices because of the trials it has put met through.
I know who I am, I know who I do not want to be.
I also know who Kannon is.
I hear his heart every single day...as silly as this may sound it is so true when you have a child who cannot properly communicate. You hear them speak in other ways.
I also know who he wants to be, but can't...because of Autism.
I know he looks at himself every day with frustration yet he finds his way into peace.
He has made peace with having Autism, which in turn has made my world that much.....more, no other word came to mind but more.
To be at peace with yourself is a powerful notion...or action.
I find myself questioning actions, words, thoughts all the time.
Overall I am at peace with the big picture, with the person I am today.
I have Kannon to thank for that.
I had someone tell me today that they have been working with kids for the past 5 years almost every day and that Kannon was the sweetest, happiest person they had ever met.
What else would any mother ever want to hear...
I have a happy soul living on this earth.
He has found peace with it all, and better yet he is happy.
So to that testament and to all I stated above...
If I ever meet Autism face to face I will kick it in the balls.
Assuming it has any.