When life hands you casserole...

Just like sitting in a moving car, watching the landscape zoom by...
You are there, present in the moment, yet things are passing you by faster than you can focus on.
The bigger picture is passing you by as you sit still, focused on the present.

Sometimes this is how my life feels.
My head buzzes from time to time when I try to focus in on the "things" flashing by around me.
Things: responsibilities, bills to pay, errands to run, laundry to do, calls to make, papers to fill out, claims to file, dinners to cook, and maybe...just maybe a hot shower...

Funny how things can completely consume your time and energy, yet you feel you are at a complete standstill in your life.
Watching life zoom pass you through your window of life.

I watch Kannon sometimes as he sits in his room drawing incessantly.
The motion of his hand going all around the paper...like a mad scientist trying to figure out the last part of his formula.
It is mesmerizing to watch.
Watching a child's brain work things out in any way it can...the only way it can right now for Kannon.
He can draw.
Blessed he is to have this ability.

His brain fights his body every day for freedom.
Or maybe it's vice versa.
Either way, Autism proves we all need our outlets...our freedom from our own minds.

Things do get overwhelming, no matter how big or small picture they may be.
That is all a matter of perspective...dividing the significance of the two.
Big or small, it is our own life perspective that our minds must deal with.

Sometimes I wonder if I over complicate things in my life.
I wonder if I am over thinking my impulses that over take my mind.
Do I really care what others people think of me...of my choices in life...how I am living my life?
Do I seek impossible results that are merely swimming around in mediocrity...and is mediocrity a bad thing?
Sometimes I feel as if I try too hard to find things more beautiful or grander than they may be...
hmmmm...anyways,

The other day Kannon was sitting at the table drawing and humming the theme song to his current movie a la mode..."Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka..."
I was sitting next to him on the computer going over monthly bills, obviously stressed and rubbing my eyes raw out of pure physical reaction to stress...it really is lovely...I think I gave myself pink eye.
Anyways, we had been sitting together for about 20 minutes each in our own little world.
All of a sudden Kannon grabs my arm just as I am about to rub my eyes again and says "Stop it...momma you making your eyes sick"
"You feeling ok momma?"
I replied with a simple, "Yes buddy, I'm fine...just tired"

He put down his crayon, put both his hands on my face and said to me...
"Momma you're beautiful...don't be sad...don't be sick anymore...it's o.k...it's o.k..."
"Don't make your beautiful eyes sad momma..."
"Let's draw a princess"

Well amen Kannon.
Maybe I should stop and draw a princess.

Funny thing is, after I did stop, draw a princess and just be in that moment with Kannon I felt better.
I didn't have to think about mediocrity, bills, responsibilities, plans....
None of that crap mattered while I was drawing my princess.

I really don't know if there is a grand lesson in this rambling.
I just wanted to share how my brain works one day while living with Autism...and living with my beautiful son, who I know for sure is anything but mediocre.

God finds beauty in vanilla, in the bland casserole of everyday life.
Sometimes we have to shift through the "vanilla" of life to find colors...to find what lies ahead.
I can say with certainty that Kannon has taught me this:
He has taught me to look further, to dig deeper, and to know inherently that there is always more to things than what it may seem to be...even when you feel you have been trekking forever.
Not necessarily always on a grand scale, but on a scale that can always teach you something if you let it.

Sometimes I guess I feel as my life is zooming by without my consent.
I feel so very out of control sometimes, especially with Autism and my son.
I never know if I am doing the right thing...there is never enough research I can do to find the right answers...and I can't talk to him and get an answer of how he really is feeling through all of this.
All I can do is pray that the "casserole" I choose to make every day is enough.
Enough to get Kannon through to something grand in his life...something he will be happy with, something that will bring him peace.

I think for now I just need to remind myself that life is just a big ride.
One that passes by you every day with different speeds, flavors, experiences...
I can be thankful for who is taking this ride with me though, and for that I truly am very lucky and exactly where I want to be.

SO thank you Kannon, Kalena, Ky, Koda.
Thank you for being part of my casserole :)

Be thankful for your casserole, remind those in your life how much you love them...
Life does pass by way too fast without any certainty and with mediocrity.
And that is o.k...no, it's beautiful.


peace.

I've hesitated writing anything in light of the tragedy that occurred in Newtown.
I 've cried daily when watching the parents speak of their children, and seeing pictures of them smiling as only children can with such innocence.
My heart cannot make sense of "why"...
Neither can my head.

However after hearing through a mutual friend this morning that somewhere out there in this confused world of ours a kid tried to light an Autistic kid on fire because of the recent tragedy, well I just cannot say something...

I first have to say out of respect and love for humanity that by no means am I trying to shift attention to, or stand on any soap box of any kind for my cause.

I am not putting anything above the loss of those precious lives.
Please hear this.


What I have to do though is make it very clear that people desperately need educating about Autism.
People need to understand that behind the stigma of the "A" word there are very real souls existing...alongside very loving, strong, compassionate parents/families.

The daily life of Autism is enough to bring the strongest of wills to their knees.
The emotional toll it takes to watch your child live every day with this disorder is at times unbearable.
The struggles families go through to get help for their children and themselves is time consuming, overwhelming, and sometimes impossible.
Sometimes in general the trials faced through Autism are impossible.
And that is just the harsh reality of it.

However...it does NOT mean that we are bitter, worn down, angry souls.

Quite the opposite.
What I have seen through many families living with Autism is nothing short of inspiring.
It makes people stronger.
It makes those affected by it more patient, kind, and empathetic to the world around them.

It forces one to turn their views upside down and inside out.
It forces you to find the beauty in life.
It completely makes you re evaluate what it takes to live a life well lived.

Do we sacrifice for the greater good?
Yes.

Do we have to find something "bigger" in all of this crazy, confusion of a world we live in?
Yes.

Do we suffer silently because "we" are so misunderstood by society?
Yes.

So, here is our "normal":

Hand flapping.
Body rocking, head swaying.
Loud voices.
Loud strange noises coming out of their mouths.
Extreme sensitivity to light, noise, textures.
Emotional outbursts sometimes resulting in screaming and/or tantrums.
Inability to relate appropriately to peer group.
Poor physical awareness in relation to personal body space.
Movie talk/echolalia.
Numerous food allergies.
Special/restrictive diets.
Inability to focus for periods of time.
Sleepless nights.
Potty training into ages 6...7...8
Speech therapy
Occupational therapy
ABA therapy
Social skills therapy
Specialized school programs
Special vitamins, supplements, medicine.
etc...etc...etc...

This is why I started writing this blog.
If only so one other person outside of my world could see my son through my eyes...
Try to understand his ticks, his outbursts, his ways...without me having to explain it.
To see WHAT AUTISM REALLY IS, and to let you know IT IS OK.
He will not hurt you.
It is not contagious.
That this is what Autism looks like...the good, the bad, the ugly.
From one perspective of course.

Autism is bigger than me.
Bigger than Kannon.

Spreading awareness of what lies beneath that misunderstood exterior of his is my passion.
This is what I will continue to do on my son's behalf so that hopefully one day society will choose to take a second look at the disorder and perhaps take a minute or two to educate themselves on something that unfortunately is an epidemic...
Yes, an epidemic.
To bring proper, honest awareness to Autism is the best way I know how to honor Kannon and all the other kids out there that someday will be adults.
Adults that we as parents, and a society want to have the best possible chance at success.
Without judgement, without shame.


I continue to pray for the victims of Newtown and their families , and I will continue to pray.
Let's not let the act of an individual ruin humanity or cloud our greater intelligence...
We are bigger than that.

Communicating honestly, openly, and in an educated manner is a start to opening the doors of understanding Autism.

I am always open to any questions anyone has in relation to Autism...no matter what they may be, and will answer them as honestly I know how from my experience.


peace.

Goodbye J.

How do you let go...
How can you take a step forward when sometimes all you want to do is stand still...sit down...bury your head and cry.
Cry out of frustration, love, and loss.

Everything in life has the potential to hurt you.
Nothing in life is predictable.
But that is what makes it painfully beautiful.
The hard lessons our hearts go through...

As of tomorrow Kannon no longer has a therapy team.
Due to internal strife and policy changes all of his therapists gave their 2 week notices 2 weeks ago...
This includes our angel, whom I will call J.
J is his main therapist.
The one who has held his team together over the past 4.5 years without fail...without her Kannon would not be where he is today.

J has been on Kannon's team since day 1.
She is his best friend...his comfort blanket...his true love in life besides family.
That's because now she is family.

So tomorrow we must say goodbye to J.
She is moving on to better opportunity, to a place where hopefully she will find happiness.

Such is life.
Sometimes you come across people who really give a damn.
Who truly make a difference in this world.
Smart, savvy, amazing souls.
They can't help but touch your life and make a difference in your little world...


Kannon has always found a way to feel the beauty in life.
He rarely is down or sad...a troubled heart is just something he does not have.

When I told Kannon that J was "leaving"...she won't be coming back to our house anymore to do work,  it stopped him in his tracks.
"WHY??"
"Is J mad at me?"
"Kannon is good boy, not make J mad..."

He broke down.
He dropped his head as if it had no strength to hold itself up and cried.

He cried and cried.
He wiped his tears.
He wiped away mine.

"It's o.k momma... J will find love again..."
"It's gonna be o.k."
His heart yet again overcoming pain...overcoming the obvious and feeling through it all.
His strength and actions are inspiring.
Through his own pain and loss he still thought of J.
He wanted her to be happy...to find love again.

J came over on a day off to say goodbye.
To take a walk with Kannon, just the two of them.
She said she felt as if she needed his approval to move on...this is how much she loves Kannon.
It is so real. The love, respect, and admiration they both have for one another is beyond special.

On their walk he asked her to marry him.
He thought if he did she wouldn't leave.

He wanted forever.
I now realize why he has always loved princess movies...why he always chooses princess dolls and fairy tale movies over matchbox cars or nerf guns.

He believes in happily ever after...

If this doesn't prove souls talk to one another without words, then I don't know what would.
J was there from the beginning.
J helped Kannon learn language...learn his name...his colors...
J never gave up on Kannon, even when things seemed impossible.
J was Kannon's happily ever after.

Thank you J.
You have no idea how much you mean to our hearts.
You have made a permanent indentation on our lives.
You are wonderful.

Kannon's life, heart, and mind is better because of your hard work, love, and dedication to your craft.

Kannon may never propose again...
As his mother I never knew it was even possible for him to comprehend the concept.
But I love that he believes in an ever lasting love.
One that can be solidified with words.
Even though in the beginning words weren't there...

Love finds a way.

It always finds a way if it was meant to be, no matter what the relationship is...

We love you J.

Goodbye, and thank you.
To the moon and back, thank you...

peace.