This day is confusing to me.
On one hand I really want to celebrate it and find peace within the thought of it all...and then on the other hand I want to climb into my bed and sleep through it.
I never loved that there was a day invented to celebrate dads...and moms.
I always thought it should be done every day on some level or another.
However, it does give some people the chance to redeem their emotional negligence due to busy lives, excuses, etc...
This day makes me miss my dad.
I miss his voice, I miss his counsel, I miss the way he could make me smile from the inside out.
I miss that he isn't here to see my babies grow up, that he will never be called grandpa...
I miss having him here to ground me...we all need people in our lives to feel grounded.
I miss that there is one less person in my life that would truly love Kannon and all his sufferings...
I wonder if Kannon will ever be a dad:)
He would be fabulous.
So much love, so much light to his soul...so much he could teach a soul through his life lessons.
I sat in the driveway this afternoon with tears in my eyes pondering all of this...
I was watching Kannon sit in his red wagon talking to himself and making a makeshift sword out of two sticks and a plastic bag...ingenious, truly it was.
Then as if my dad could hear my prayers and thoughts the wagon all of sudden slowly started to move forward...slowly...inching to the point of the top of the driveway where it starts to slope down. Kannon just sat there and looked back at me as if I was somehow doing this from 10 feet away...
I just sat there, there was no obvious danger...if Kannon did go flying down the driveway he would be fine...really he would.
All of this happened in slow motion to me like some unseen hand of faith nudging that wagon inch by inch...then there went Kannon down the driveway...he ran into the cable box. He was smiling the whole short ride down the driveway...it was beautiful to see his face light up.
Then what came out of his mouth made everything great, it made this somewhat crappy day peaceful...it made me remember how great life can be if you let it.
"OH CRAP"..."OH CRAP"
Clear as day Kannon belted those two lovely words out...he even made serious eye contact with me and repeated it to make sure I heard him.
Ahhh, my heart was smiling again...my boy never ceases to amaze me and lighten my days.
Happy Fathers Day Dad, wherever you are...
and to all you out there who are blessed with little ones that change your life every moment.