Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Inevitable truths

I just met my neighbor who lives 4 houses down yesterday.
They have a son who has Autism and is 46 years old.
She stopped me as Kannon and I were walking the new puppy and started talking...for an hour straight...I think I may have said 2 or 3 things...
she noticed that Kannon had Autism and told me her story about their journey with the disorder.
It seemed that still even after all these years and struggles it still hurt her heart to live with Autism everyday, and that she still wanted someone to talk to about it.

It gave me a possible glimpse into my future with Kannon.
I have thought on occasion about the possibility of him living with me for the rest of his, or my life.
I will forever be his hands on caregiver...
He may never have friends like I dream for him, and may never marry or have a family of his own.
All my fears looked me dead on after talking to this lady, for she has been living it her entire life...and the pain was written all over her face.

I have talked about hope in the past, and I refuse to let go of it.
It is my warm blanket when I get scared....and believe me I am scared more than I may let on.
Sometimes when I pray at night I pray directly to "hope"...I want it to hear me and work it's magic.

At least there is one thing I can be 100% of...and that is Kannon will always have me as his friend...I will too someday share his life story, and I hope that it will be filled with wonderful things, accomplishments, laughter, pain and triumph.
I will never emotionally leave Kannons side, and when the day comes that I have to leave him and this world I can only hope the love left behind will be enough for him.
I can only hope he will remember me, because god knows what his mind is capable of...one of the many frustrating effects of Autism...

This is all as a parent that we can hope for our children...that our love, guidance, and time with them was "enough".
This is why it is the most important job out there...
and it is why life can be carried on with and passed down through the soul.
At least one can hope...


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