I try to stay away from addressing these moments.
But whether or not anyone ever reads this, it doesn't matter...it is truth.
It is my reality.
It makes me sad that when I say goodnight to Kannon he doesn't want me to just lay there and cuddle with him...talk to him...about his day, his dreams, his expectations.
Instead I usually am left talking AT him.
I think he knows all my dreams, hopes, questions...he has "heard" them all.
It makes me sad that I have to prompt "I Love You" to hear it back.
It makes me sad to have to think about the concept of if he understands what it all means.
I lay awake many nights and just think.
Think about it all.
The Why's.
The How's.
The What if's.
Specifically...
Why does this disorder happen to children.
Why so young.
Why at an age when they have no chance of understanding it all...maybe that's not a bad thing though.
How can I do this another day.
How can I put on my brave face and smile through the moments of pain.
How can I guarantee I will pull out of all this successfully.
What if Kannon was normal.
What if tomorrow he is able to talk to me...really talk to me.
What if they find a cure...will I be able to readjust my heart to that reality...
Why do I even bother with such questions?
How can I ever expect answers?
What if this is all the greatest gift and test of a lifetime and I was lucky enough to receive it?
The pain.
The truth.
The heart.
What really makes me sad is that I can't reach out to the rest of the people out there who know exactly what I am talking about.
And smile at you with tears in my eyes and just cry with you.
I am sad today.
I know there are others who are sad too.
And I am so sorry for that.
Basically I am left with this thought:
Why can't Autism tell me How I am going to get through today, and What If tomorrow doesn't bring the answers I hope so much for?
Can I do it all again...and again...and again...
peace.
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My heart is in knots as I am reading this. Just a while ago, my own son Garret was having one of his bad moments. And he was crying, screaming and hitting me. And I wondered if in his own way he is asking why he can't communicate. Or why I can't understand what he wants.or maybe he is asking God why give him autism? There is just this great barrier that connects his world with mine. This is also one of those days that I am helpless. And I feel you, Ms. Kary.Today I am asking Why. Why Garret. Why us.How am I going to get through this. and What if he could just speak? Hang in there. We do the best we can. And we hope for the best. The universe is watching our efforts. And no good deed goes unrewarded.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE reaching out to us by sharing your story! I can see your smiles, your tears, feel your joy and your pain in your words. And whether some of us comment on your posts or remain silent, we are out here, reaching back to YOU! I hope you can feel the support, the understanding, the empathy that I am sending you! ~Karen
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