Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Monday, November 14, 2011

To be a parent

As I lay on the couch, my heading screaming I hear the familiar sounds of Kannon's current favorite movie, "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs"

The lines from this move are what he is using to express himself...
It changes from week to week usually.
He will have a favorite movie of the week and from that movie Kannon chooses to communicate with me, with his world.

Technically speaking this is called:


repetition of words: the compulsive repetition of words spoken by somebody else, often a sign of a psychiatric disorder

Most of us in Autism world are very familiar with this term and live with the repercussions daily.

As I mentioned earlier, my head was pounding...no screaming.
I have been suffering from migraines for the past few months for some reason. 
Wow are they fun.

So as I laid down Kannon sat next to me, put his hand on my forehead and said, "momma ouchie?"

"Yes Kannon momma has a headache."

"Oh...well I have a plan, water goes in the top...food comes out the bottom"...
( A line from his movie )

"Oh, I see baby...that sounds yummy. Mommy needs to rest for a bit though o.k buddy...can you sit nicely and watch your movie please?"

He sat down next to me again, put a blanket over the two of us and sat there...
I quickly began to dose off, then as I was closing my eyes Kannon put his hand on my leg and said this:

"It's o.k momma, I hurt sometimes too"
"I hurt too"

He then looked straight ahead and for the next hour sat there silent.
Watching his movie as I rested next to him.

When I decided to sit up and make us lunch, Kannon put his hand on my shoulder and said, 
"All better mom?"

"No buddy not quite, but I will be just fine don't worry"

"I know mamma...I know...you have to be"
"You have to be"...

So, even though Kannon may not be able to always express his emotions, my god can he ever speak from his heart.
I am always amazed at his creative abilities to get his point across.

He is right, I have to be o.k.
And I am sure he does hurt, more than I will ever know...more than he can ever accurately express to me in HIS words.
But for now, I will continue to listen to everything he is saying, as I know he is trying to always tell me something.
I have to listen, whether it is movie talk, or the 3-4 word sentences he gets out every now and then.
I have to know that he is o.k somehow...
Just like he has to know I am o.k...

I have to be...

peace :)


  1. Every now and then our body fails us. But our strength never does. You have such a strong spirit, Kary. You don't "have to be". You are already okay, innately. You are more than okay. You have the strongest of spirit. And this is why Kannon is able to channel your love through his own gentleness and compassion and only the purest of emotions. Both of you are teaching us what truly matters in the end of all pain, physical or not, that we have to have the resolve to carry on because we are strong enough to live the life we are given. Hugs!

  2. God, I just want to cry with you. You know, we mamas can handle so much, but when it affects our other children - I just want to bitch slap Autism. I TOTALLY get you.
    Once you've gotten a little space from it, think and think some more - what could you do differently next time? headphones? a handheld toy device (DSi, Ipad, phone with games)? a portable DVD player? Can you have the place secure a quiet area close to the action where you can go in case you need to? Can someone come with you next time and tagteam? Can you write a social story for him so that he better understands what to expect?
    Next time - Kannon will have a whole 'nother year of maturity on him, which makes a lot of difference. He'll be working on new tools all year. It WILL get better. XOXO