If you only knew. You someday will.

If you only knew how proud I am of you.

How you just carry on every moment of every day...most times all by yourself.
Without my aide.
Without my prompting or support...

You just do.

You have excelled in school...
You earned the highest test scores in your class.
You have sat in class in front of your teachers and listened.
You took it in.

The compassion and love for life you show every moment is contagious.
You simply live for each moment...let it go, and move on.
You are simply wonderful.

The way you watch those around you live.

The smile you put upon your own face while watching life.
The hundreds of times you have lit my face up without even knowing it.
You are truly magical.

I find myself feeling guilty every day because I cannot spend enough time with you.
With your imagination...your questions...your energy.

I often watch you sleep.
Sometimes these are the only moments I have to truly just sit with you and feel your being.
Sad.
But the truth...with our life, our schedule...it is truth.

There is not a moment that something inside me tugs at my conscious reminding me that I want so much to spend more time with you...to watch you grow into the person you are becoming.

Most of the time you are becoming this person without me.

Without me.

Like a seed planted in the ground you have grown into a living, thriving being.
You have thrived in your environment without complaint...
You are a survivor.

I could not be more proud of being able to call myself your mother.

I hope someday you read this and understand why we have made the sacrifices we have...
Why we live the life we live every day without complaint or regret.
Why we may not be like other families you see at your school every day.
Why there have been years of testing...therapists...doctors...sleepless nights...uneventful outings...tantrums...bruises...tears.

I know you will understand how much I love you.

I hope you can forgive me for those things you don't/didn't understand.

I will talk to you for hours...days...months if you need when the time comes.
I will talk to you until my last breath if you need to understand why we got to where we are at that moment.

Life is short, and lessons come at you fast.
It is how you react to them that make you who you are.
Life is not something to be taken lightly, yet one should never take themselves too seriously.

There is beauty everywhere.
Thank you for showing me this when my vision was cloudy.
For there were moments when my knees were too weak to stand and your little heart supported us all.

You are, to put it simply...

Beautiful.

Thank you Kalena, my daughter, for choosing me to be your mother.
For choosing this life to live with us...with Kannon and I.
For being my "other" child... my "normal" child...

If you only knew all the things my heart wants to tell you every moment, but sometimes can't.

I hope someday you do.

peace :)