Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Friday, January 6, 2012

Autism wins every single time.

Without hesitation it wins.
I never ask why anymore...because I know that Kannon can't control most of the things his body does, or his mouth says.
I don't make excuses for it anymore either...it is just what it is.

The looks.
The head shakes.
The big eyes.
The laughs.
The cruel words.
Humanity at it's worst.

Autism wins.

These are not words of defeat.
These are words of truth.

I  know by now that the only fight I need to have is getting Kannon the help, and therapy that he needs to hopefully someday recover from Autism.
I have to continue to be his advocate.
I have to fight for what I feel is "right" for his survival and future.
I have to, no I want to continue to be his best friend...to love him when sometimes the world cannot.

I do not need to fight humanity anymore.
I cannot get my feelings hurt because sometimes people are ignorant and cruel.
It is not a part of my journey anymore.
I will not stop to explain calmly anymore to the person who just shook their head at my son and myself that "He has Autism and can't help but have a physical reaction to his environment"...
I cannot be a parent to other kids who are mean to Kannon and hurt him physically or emotionally.

Autism wins.

I am not angry.
I am definitely not throwing up my arms in defeat.

I am simply not going to allow certain static into my life stream anymore.

It is not beneficial to my future, to my well being, or to the future of Autism.

Spreading awareness is.
Letting people who read these words and care enough to read them, to allow this awareness within their hearts.
Show by example.
Show compassion for those who are "different" than most of the people in our lives.
Let people know that Autism is very noticeable for the most part...very loud...very messy at times...and sometimes not pretty at all.

Most importantly people need to know it is a disorder.
The brain is "messy"..."misfiring"..."different"

Autism is raw at best.
It reacts to the environment it is in, in the most obvious way possible at times.
If it is too loud...it doesn't like it.
If it is too bright...it doesn't like it.
If there are a lot of colors, textures, people...it will react to all of them, or at least one of them.
It is very compulsive.
It is passionate.
It is also brilliant, if not genius at some level.
But the most important thing is at the core of all of this there is a person who wants more than anything to be accepted...to have friends...to be able to communicate with those who love them the most.

I see Kannon struggle every day with who he is.
I see him stop at times when we are out in public when he knows he should be doing one thing, yet another reaction or action comes out instead.
He will sometimes look at me while his body is reacting to something and have the saddest eyes...his soul knows...
I see his soul trying to overcome the pull of his brain.

Just because you don't recognize something, it doesn't make it wrong.
Kannon doesn't recognize himself on some days...he is lost...his disorder just takes over.
But he still fights for it.
He fights for recognizing himself...for what he knows to be true, and only he knows this truth.

Imagine if you can being bound inside a glass box, but the reflection is on the inside and people can still see in to watch you...
You would have to watch every single move you made, but you had no control of what you did.
One part of your brain knows what it wants to do...but this damn disorder takes over and does something else.
It reacts to the stimuli around you, and your bodies reaction to them are out of your control.

I like to refer to it as Kannon's "Dance of Life"
The hands flapping, the head swaying, the legs shaking...the repetitive noises, the ticks...

It is art brought to life, compliments of the brains reaction to life and the soul enveloping all of it.

Autism wins every time.

Why can't this be beautiful...

peace :)

1 comment:

  1. Yes, this can be beautiful. Even with all of Autism's ugliness and senselessness. One proof is how you have chosen to rise above autism. How Kannon is fighting every single day. This is beautiful. Patrick Mclean said, Life may be unfair but it is beautiful. And if this is the only thing left in the world to hang on to, then we have to keep the faith that life is beautiful. Along with everything, autism included.