Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Friday, November 16, 2012

every day you learn...

You learn the difference between what is important and what really doesn't matter.
I've learned how to find the peace in every situation without loosing myself...without getting caught up in it all.
Sometimes that means walking away or keeping my mouth shut...but I've learned.

I've watched Kannon play on the playground by himself, time after time after trying to play with other kids...
I've watched him be bullied, harassed, and laughed at...too many times.
As a mother it breaks my heart, it hurts.
I just walk away. I don't watch sometimes because it hurts too much.
I let him find his way in this confusing, sometimes cruel world.
I close my eyes when I see the pain all over his face when he knows he has just been treated badly by others...I close my eyes and wrap him up in my arms.
I just can't watch it sometimes.

I've learned to accept my journey for what it is while allowing others to experience their own.
Without judgement, without jealousy...but as a friend, a mother, a lover...
No matter what my role it never makes it easy to watch those you love in pain.
I can accept and deal with my own pain, but I am still learning how to deal with the pain of others.

So sometimes I close my eyes.
Sometimes I walk away...sometimes I walk closer and make my presence known.
I suppose it's trial and error...I don't always do the right thing.
But I learn and keep moving forward.

With every door that closes, another opens.
Everything happens for a reason.
Blind faith is the only option.
With every goodbye, you learn...and learn.

Constant reminders to keep my heart happy.
To keep it at peace.
To help me understand the entire journey, not just my own.
To help me be a better mother, friend, lover...

Because the bottom line is that without these people in my life I am not whole.
I am better because of my relationships in life.
Sometimes we forget how important other people are, or can be.

I have experienced too many people leaving my life to know better.
I never take it for granted anymore.
My emotions make my weak at times, but I know no other way.
I don't know how to not show my love for those who love me.

Maybe I should open my eyes more.
Stand my ground instead of walking away when the pain gets the best of me...

I don't know the right answer, but I am still learning.

With every goodbye in life, you learn.
With every relationship there are lessons...
With every moment there is opportunity.

I stood at Kannon's school yesterday and watched him play at recess.
He was by himself.
He was smiling, he stopped a few times to interact with other kids with no outcome...he moved on, happy.
Again, I stood there and could feel the sadness overcome me as I watched him.
All those feelings welling up...knowing how badly Kannon wanted friends, kids to play with.
And just as I was about to walk away out of not wanting to watch anymore, I saw Kannon stop and look down at his feet...
He picked up a handful of grass and threw it up in the air, he threw his arms out and smiled as the grass fell on his face...he laughed and jumped and did it again...then he just stood there with his head back in air feeling the sun shining on his face...

And to think I almost missed that moment.

I almost walked away not trusting he could handle it...


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