"Happy" Autism Day, a love note to my boy

How do I translate pain into love?
How can so many years of pain translate into a beautiful experience?

Autism.

You came into this world with it, and you will leave this world with it.
More importantly, what you have chosen to do with it is something that has changed my heart forever.

You have fought harder than anyone I know for yourself.
You never gave up, and through the struggle and tears you always chose to fight for yourself...you taught me how to fight for myself and my happiness.
I have never seen such a beautiful soul filled with so much love and kindness.
Thank you for showing a jaded self how to find the beauty in life.
You really do believe in happily ever after, in the magic of life...especially when I had given up on it.
You actually do stop to smell the roses and skip while you run...you helped me slow down and live.
You love all interaction with people no matter how brief it is...when usually in the past I would avoid most strangers, I now welcome the small talk.

The ways you have touched my heart and opened my mind are endless...you broke through to a very hurt, very confused soul that needed guidance and love.
You saved me in more ways I can communicate...ironic since I am supposed to be the one who can talk, you talk worlds more than I ever could...in your own language.

Through your energy, your light, and your presence in my life I have no choice but to be better.

I just don't know how to thank you.
So just as I have been trying for the past 9 years, I will continue to try to do better every day.
For you, and for the example you have already set in such a brief time...
I will continue to bring awareness of your life, your struggles, and more importantly your beauty that makes you amazing.
You get enough hardships out there in your playground of life.
I've seen you pushed off a playground, laughed at, get sand thrown at and dumped on, called retarded, stupid, weird...it's all too painful to keep writing, you deserve better.
Yet through it all you came out shining...you still believed in happily ever after.
Simply amazing.

If I didn't know better I would think you had already lived twenty lifetimes, and I was blessed to have you in this one.

So today, and every day I will "Light it up Blue", Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Indigo and Violet...

Someday others will see your beautiful rainbow as I do.
I know you will keep singing your tune and teaching my soul...

thank you.

peace :)

*Make sure you have the volume turned up before pressing play on the video...

Brief note to self.

If there is anything I try to remember it is to be grateful for what I have today.
Not what I had yesterday, or what I wish I did have...just for what I have in front of me this very moment.
Losing perspective can be very easy to do in times of stress or confusion. I see it happening every day to those around me...and to myself. As blinding as love can be, we must never forget what is the most important thing in life.
Yourself.
Without self we could not be good friends, mothers, fathers, or people.
We must above all else love our self and who we are.

I feel as I get older I never fully took advantage of moments growing up.
I never really knew how lucky I was.
Now that I am older I realize how much I took for granted and why today I take each moment with great care and an open, gracious heart.
I gained perspective and realized the importance of today.

So maybe for today try to realize why you have what you do, and be grateful for it...
For all of it.
Even if it hurts, try to learn from it and be grateful for the lesson.
For without having felt pain I find those people to lack depth and compassion.
Without experiencing pain, overcoming it and moving forward I would not experience my life to the fullest of it's potential.
And for that I am very grateful.

I find myself able to laugh harder, smile bigger and listen with compassion due to all I have today.
What is on my plate right now will make me better, stronger, the person my soul knows it will and should be.

Pain is temporary, and hard times will pass.
It is not what you are given in life that changes you, it is how you choose to handle the situation and how you came out at the end that matters...the end of all things difficult in life will change you.
We can learn from our mistakes.
It is possible for change.

Please remember to love yourself, to believe in today and all that you have.
Believe in change and hope for love.
It is there for a reason.


peace.

When life hands you casserole...

Just like sitting in a moving car, watching the landscape zoom by...
You are there, present in the moment, yet things are passing you by faster than you can focus on.
The bigger picture is passing you by as you sit still, focused on the present.

Sometimes this is how my life feels.
My head buzzes from time to time when I try to focus in on the "things" flashing by around me.
Things: responsibilities, bills to pay, errands to run, laundry to do, calls to make, papers to fill out, claims to file, dinners to cook, and maybe...just maybe a hot shower...

Funny how things can completely consume your time and energy, yet you feel you are at a complete standstill in your life.
Watching life zoom pass you through your window of life.

I watch Kannon sometimes as he sits in his room drawing incessantly.
The motion of his hand going all around the paper...like a mad scientist trying to figure out the last part of his formula.
It is mesmerizing to watch.
Watching a child's brain work things out in any way it can...the only way it can right now for Kannon.
He can draw.
Blessed he is to have this ability.

His brain fights his body every day for freedom.
Or maybe it's vice versa.
Either way, Autism proves we all need our outlets...our freedom from our own minds.

Things do get overwhelming, no matter how big or small picture they may be.
That is all a matter of perspective...dividing the significance of the two.
Big or small, it is our own life perspective that our minds must deal with.

Sometimes I wonder if I over complicate things in my life.
I wonder if I am over thinking my impulses that over take my mind.
Do I really care what others people think of me...of my choices in life...how I am living my life?
Do I seek impossible results that are merely swimming around in mediocrity...and is mediocrity a bad thing?
Sometimes I feel as if I try too hard to find things more beautiful or grander than they may be...
hmmmm...anyways,

The other day Kannon was sitting at the table drawing and humming the theme song to his current movie a la mode..."Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka..."
I was sitting next to him on the computer going over monthly bills, obviously stressed and rubbing my eyes raw out of pure physical reaction to stress...it really is lovely...I think I gave myself pink eye.
Anyways, we had been sitting together for about 20 minutes each in our own little world.
All of a sudden Kannon grabs my arm just as I am about to rub my eyes again and says "Stop it...momma you making your eyes sick"
"You feeling ok momma?"
I replied with a simple, "Yes buddy, I'm fine...just tired"

He put down his crayon, put both his hands on my face and said to me...
"Momma you're beautiful...don't be sad...don't be sick anymore...it's o.k...it's o.k..."
"Don't make your beautiful eyes sad momma..."
"Let's draw a princess"

Well amen Kannon.
Maybe I should stop and draw a princess.

Funny thing is, after I did stop, draw a princess and just be in that moment with Kannon I felt better.
I didn't have to think about mediocrity, bills, responsibilities, plans....
None of that crap mattered while I was drawing my princess.

I really don't know if there is a grand lesson in this rambling.
I just wanted to share how my brain works one day while living with Autism...and living with my beautiful son, who I know for sure is anything but mediocre.

God finds beauty in vanilla, in the bland casserole of everyday life.
Sometimes we have to shift through the "vanilla" of life to find colors...to find what lies ahead.
I can say with certainty that Kannon has taught me this:
He has taught me to look further, to dig deeper, and to know inherently that there is always more to things than what it may seem to be...even when you feel you have been trekking forever.
Not necessarily always on a grand scale, but on a scale that can always teach you something if you let it.

Sometimes I guess I feel as my life is zooming by without my consent.
I feel so very out of control sometimes, especially with Autism and my son.
I never know if I am doing the right thing...there is never enough research I can do to find the right answers...and I can't talk to him and get an answer of how he really is feeling through all of this.
All I can do is pray that the "casserole" I choose to make every day is enough.
Enough to get Kannon through to something grand in his life...something he will be happy with, something that will bring him peace.

I think for now I just need to remind myself that life is just a big ride.
One that passes by you every day with different speeds, flavors, experiences...
I can be thankful for who is taking this ride with me though, and for that I truly am very lucky and exactly where I want to be.

SO thank you Kannon, Kalena, Ky, Koda.
Thank you for being part of my casserole :)

Be thankful for your casserole, remind those in your life how much you love them...
Life does pass by way too fast without any certainty and with mediocrity.
And that is o.k...no, it's beautiful.


peace.