I have asked myself many times if Kannon would ever grow up and have friends, a girlfriend, play sports, be able to attend a regular school...
There have been moments when I felt that I would be a success as a mother if I raised my kids into contributing members of society.
There was a time when I was at the park with Kannon and another mother and I were chatting as Kannon and her son ran around together. She seemed interested in Autism and had many questions, which I was happy to answer.
Then she asked me if it bothered me that Kannon may never become a contributing member of society....
I was speechless.

What exactly constitutes someone as a "contributing member of society"?
Where and why did this phrase take on so much meaning to people?
There are so many takes on this one...where to start...
Do we first separate by gender?
Do we separate into age groups?
I would think that a "member" would include ANY and EVERY human being....

Ultimately does a person need to physically contribute something before they can earn this title?

My opinion is that we all should strive to contribute something to society.
I don't think it matters how big your audience or receiving group may be...
Feeding the homeless or volunteering is a wonderful idea.
Picking up trash on the beach while taking a walk is also nice.
Going to work every single day to do the responsible thing for yourself or your family, this is what most folks do every single day...I think it should be counted as one of the top honors.
Work can consist of pretty much everything and anything, but it really is what holds societies together...it is what keeps people moving forward.

I would imagine it being difficult to work your entire life and forgetting why you did it to begin with.
I know a lot of people work because obviously they have to...
We should all work.
Again, I think "work" could be many different things....I don't judge in that manner.
We should also be reminded why we do it everyday, and know that we are in some way making this world go round and round with our efforts.

What about kids though?
How can they be judged or considered as contributing members of society?
Just because they don't have a job that pays money doesn't mean they aren't doing a bigger job.
Kids add joy to our lives that cannot be bought or reproduced.
They also bring tears, frustration and levels of insanity we never knew we had in us.
All that being said, they teach us more about ourselves than we ever knew possible and they don't judge us when we fail.
They let us act out and when we are done, they still want to be our biggest fan.
They love spending time with us and cuddling with us.
They laugh every day and instinctively know they are something special to this world.
They really give us the opportunity to show ourselves what we are made of.
How patient we can be...
How much love we have in us...
How creative we are...
How unselfish we can or cannot be.
ALL of it comes back to us. We are tested every single day and our kids give us opportunity and motive to make our own choices....based on what we are really made of.

If that isn't contributing to society than I don't know what is.
We are all a society that needs each other and can learn from the little things every single day if we allow it.

If we have the patience for it.
If we really feel a desire for the bigger picture...
It can teach us so much and help us not just "get by" every day, but live in every moment.

The beautiful part about kids is that they don't realize they are doing a "job".
Innocence is what makes kids fantastic teachers...the lessons they provide for us every day.
Whether good ones or challenging, these are the lessons that we learn the most about ourselves.

peace:)

Insanity?

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/06/nyregion/06hotel.html

This is an article I wanted to share.

I always wondered if I had more money if raising a child with Autism would be "easier".
Meaning, I would be able to pay for any therapy services, hire a part time nanny to provide respite for myself, and heck maybe even a cleaning service just for my sanity.

I know I am not the only mother out there who does everything...
Cooking, cleaning, full time child watching, etc.
And who does it on a budget.
No extra money for clothes, restaurants or fun things...just enough to survive and comfortably survive.
It is obviously 3 jobs wrapped into one without the pay scale.

After reading about this incident that happened it set in how Autism truly requires a special group of people to deal with it.
This mother who had NO financial worries found the only way to deal with her Autistic son was to murder him. Murder him.
Feeding him an overdose of prescription meds, and watching him die.
Apparently now her lawyer is trying to take the insanity route...
OF COURSE she was insane...she was a mother of a child with Autism...it can do that to you.
BUT...you DO NOT turn yourself so upside down and inside out that you rationalize MURDER.
And apparently all the money in the world makes no difference in easing the responsibilities of raising a child with Autism...at least to some people.

This is beyond me.
This is beyond sad, tragic, or explainable.
This is why we need to raise awareness, understanding and support for this disorder.

This disorder is in obvious need of funding, but it goes beyond that.
It needs to not have stigmas or labels attached to it.
It has to be understood on a human level.
We need to embrace it and know that we are not alone in this...

We need people to turn to, or internal peace to go to when we feel overwhelmed.
We need to know it is all for a reason...bigger than us, but for a reason.

And until we find a "reason" we must share, support and love what we already have.
Accept it.
Find peace with it.

KNOW Autism and that it can be beautiful...we can raise these kids into loving, contributing members of family and society.

peace

GUILT...and sweatpants.

If anyone out there has advice on how to deal with this issue...feedback please.

How does one with children really feel good about having alone or selfish time.
Please.
When my kids are running around causing absolute chaos I want to put them out on the front porch with a "Free to good home" sign around their necks.
YET...when I do have a day to myself I feel SO guilty I can barley manage a moment of pure relaxation.
Really?
This is what my life has come to?

Why did my mother not warn me about this new life that you enter into when you have a child.
I hear your life will never be the same...but good lord.

I can't even have an hour to go grocery shopping without having guilt overcome me while in the frozen food aisle.
I feel bad for "inconveniencing" someone else to watch my kids for an hour so I can put food on the table.
Good thing I don't really indulge in something like shopping or getting a pedicure, because i know someone would get hurt in the process....I would be a mess.

I will SADLY admit I occasionally watch the Housewives of OC on Bravo.
It makes me want to vomit.
The fact that this pool of women represent the geographic area I reside in troubles me.
They are terrible examples....of so many things.
Anyways, point being there are real people who live here that really do have genuine life stories to be told.
Sadly, for television purposes our stories would never make the cut.
We aren't glamorous enough.

Real motherhood is NOT glamorous in any way, shape, or form.
Poop...Pee...Diapers...Tantrums...No money for daycare OR nannies...No pedicures every week...
NO time for make up or hair......you get the point.
Maybe it could be glamorous?
Maybe I am the disillusioned one here....I am open for that possibility.

I wish I could have these things sometimes...but back to my original point...I would feel some guilt with it all.
Why?
I can watch others in envy and happiness.
But when my ass is in that chair, I run.
I run back home to where my kids are.
To where the poop and pee and tantrums are.
To the land of SWEATPANTS.
It is my heaven.

Maybe I need to work harder at learning to relax.
Maybe I need a sedative.
Maybe I need more wine.
Maybe I need to do my hair and makeup before I leave the house?

Maybe I just really care about my kids more than I care about myself.
I know the cliche of "you have to take of yourself to be worth anything to others"
BUT I don't think this applied to pedicures, manicures, etc.
Maybe I need to change my point of view on this one...I am open to that if logical.
Don't get me wrong.
I have had a pedicure and manicure since having kids....5 times in 6 years to be exact.
It just has not been my priority.

I don't see anything wrong with that.
I have to live with it...no one else.
Or should I take advantage of my "youth"
God knows this skin and "firmness" will only last me a few more years.
Maybe I will go out and get a mani and pedi.
AND even some new 4" heels to strut around in, even if it is only in my own home.
Kannon would snatch them off my feet though....those who know him know how much he adores women's shoes, and dresses. One of my favorite pictures of him is him mid air dancing around the living room in a pink glittered princess dress with a tiara on his head in all his glory.
It will be framed when he is grown. His friends and hopefully future girlfriend will all know this picture, and LOVE it.
God I hope he does has friends and a girlfriend someday....
Anyways...
He loves women shoes.
So, I would loose that battle too.

Maybe a nice dress?
But where would I wear it?
To the playground...or to my hourly outing to the grocery store?!
YES! They should have happy hour at the grocery store.
A mixer perhaps.

O.k.
I get it now.
Thanks for listening to my brain sort it all out.

I will go to the grocery store in my new heels(before Kannon steals them), in my new dress, and strut my butt up and down the aisles hoping to gain some sort of self fulfillment while holding back my neurosis about being away from my children while someone else watches them and hoping they have not burned the house down...oh yeah baby.
I will be one hot mess.

Some of you out there SO get this...so this ramble is for you:)

Look out grocery shoppers, here I come.
And most likely I will be in sweatpants...but cute ones.

peace:)