Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

GUILT...and sweatpants.

If anyone out there has advice on how to deal with this issue...feedback please.

How does one with children really feel good about having alone or selfish time.
When my kids are running around causing absolute chaos I want to put them out on the front porch with a "Free to good home" sign around their necks.
YET...when I do have a day to myself I feel SO guilty I can barley manage a moment of pure relaxation.
This is what my life has come to?

Why did my mother not warn me about this new life that you enter into when you have a child.
I hear your life will never be the same...but good lord.

I can't even have an hour to go grocery shopping without having guilt overcome me while in the frozen food aisle.
I feel bad for "inconveniencing" someone else to watch my kids for an hour so I can put food on the table.
Good thing I don't really indulge in something like shopping or getting a pedicure, because i know someone would get hurt in the process....I would be a mess.

I will SADLY admit I occasionally watch the Housewives of OC on Bravo.
It makes me want to vomit.
The fact that this pool of women represent the geographic area I reside in troubles me.
They are terrible examples....of so many things.
Anyways, point being there are real people who live here that really do have genuine life stories to be told.
Sadly, for television purposes our stories would never make the cut.
We aren't glamorous enough.

Real motherhood is NOT glamorous in any way, shape, or form.
Poop...Pee...Diapers...Tantrums...No money for daycare OR nannies...No pedicures every week...
NO time for make up or hair......you get the point.
Maybe it could be glamorous?
Maybe I am the disillusioned one here....I am open for that possibility.

I wish I could have these things sometimes...but back to my original point...I would feel some guilt with it all.
I can watch others in envy and happiness.
But when my ass is in that chair, I run.
I run back home to where my kids are.
To where the poop and pee and tantrums are.
To the land of SWEATPANTS.
It is my heaven.

Maybe I need to work harder at learning to relax.
Maybe I need a sedative.
Maybe I need more wine.
Maybe I need to do my hair and makeup before I leave the house?

Maybe I just really care about my kids more than I care about myself.
I know the cliche of "you have to take of yourself to be worth anything to others"
BUT I don't think this applied to pedicures, manicures, etc.
Maybe I need to change my point of view on this one...I am open to that if logical.
Don't get me wrong.
I have had a pedicure and manicure since having kids....5 times in 6 years to be exact.
It just has not been my priority.

I don't see anything wrong with that.
I have to live with it...no one else.
Or should I take advantage of my "youth"
God knows this skin and "firmness" will only last me a few more years.
Maybe I will go out and get a mani and pedi.
AND even some new 4" heels to strut around in, even if it is only in my own home.
Kannon would snatch them off my feet though....those who know him know how much he adores women's shoes, and dresses. One of my favorite pictures of him is him mid air dancing around the living room in a pink glittered princess dress with a tiara on his head in all his glory.
It will be framed when he is grown. His friends and hopefully future girlfriend will all know this picture, and LOVE it.
God I hope he does has friends and a girlfriend someday....
He loves women shoes.
So, I would loose that battle too.

Maybe a nice dress?
But where would I wear it?
To the playground...or to my hourly outing to the grocery store?!
YES! They should have happy hour at the grocery store.
A mixer perhaps.

I get it now.
Thanks for listening to my brain sort it all out.

I will go to the grocery store in my new heels(before Kannon steals them), in my new dress, and strut my butt up and down the aisles hoping to gain some sort of self fulfillment while holding back my neurosis about being away from my children while someone else watches them and hoping they have not burned the house down...oh yeah baby.
I will be one hot mess.

Some of you out there SO get this...so this ramble is for you:)

Look out grocery shoppers, here I come.
And most likely I will be in sweatpants...but cute ones.



  1. LMAO I know exactly, to the T, how you feel...jammies por vida is what motherhood is lol love u

  2. No "maybes" about it... I KNOW I need more wine... here's to grocery shopping in your "tracky dacks". Cheers! ;)

    FYI Tracky Dacks... the Australian equivalent of sweatpants... tracky is short for tracksuit... dacks is a colloquialism for pants.