Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Since Valentines day is approaching I thought I would breach the subject of those 3 little words we all know...
"I Love You"

I would never pretend to be a master philosopher upon where those words started, or why they mean so much to humans...all I know is they do mean the world to some of us.
Sometimes people say it too much and it looses meaning.
Sometimes people don't say it enough and it leaves someone on either end of the relationship with feelings of void.

I remember when my father started to become really sick those words took on a whole new meaning in my life.
I really began to understand what those 3 words meant to me and to my soul.

Not only is it how the person says it to you, it is everything about the moment...
Their voice, their tone, the look in their eyes...it is a complete package deal.

Sadly I don't remember the last time my dad told me he loved me, but I know I told him every single day whether he understood those words or not.
For those of you who don't know, my father died 2 years ago from complications of Alzheimer's disease....
He had started slipping away about 4 years before his passing, we lost a piece of him every single day to that disease. It was truly awful.

I spent a lot of time in hospitals with my dad.
I spent a lot of time holding his hand while he slept and watched him breathe.
I spent many months expecting a phone call that he had passed away.
I also helped feed my dad, change his diaper, help him get dressed,turn him in bed and hold him while he trembled in fear because he didn't understand what was happening to him.
I watched my father go from a man to a scared little boy within months...and that is how he left me. It is an image that haunts me every day.

I find it ironic the parallels between my fathers last years here on earth and the son that I have been blessed with.

I also still help Kannon get dressed. Up until last year I was still changing his diaper.
I also hold his hand when he gets scared or his environment overwhelms him....and I also watch Kannon's pain because he doesn't understand what is going on around him at times.

ALL of this is why I Love You is important to me...
We all have our reasons.

The last words I told my father as he literally took his last breath here on earth were "I Love You...it's o.k to let go"
I say those words every single day to Kannon too.
Obviously the letting go part has different meanings for Kannon than it did my dad.
I want Kannon to let go of fear, anxiety or negative energy...that is why I say those words to him.

Kannon has never spontaneously said to me I Love You.
He has said it back to me in an echoing manner...
I will say "Kannon I Love You"
He responds "Kannon I Love You"

Or if I say it, he will say it back.
But it is his tone that says it all.
He doesn't understand what those words mean...
He is just saying it because I am saying it.
He doesn't understand what it means.
He shows me every day he loves me, the hugs, kisses, gentle touches and laughs.
I know Kannon loves me.
I just hope someday he can tell me...and know why he is saying it...and feel it.

Some days I say to myself that if he could just tell me he loves me it would make all of "this" easier...
It would give me extra fuel to get through those tougher days.
I go back and forth.
Bottom line is: Kannon hasn't needed those words to make me feel his love for me....how can I complain.

I just don't know if we can teach the true correlation between actions and words.
Can we have one without the other....why is one better than the other?
And does it really make a difference?

What makes me human is that I do like to hear those words...
I always will.
Sometimes it really is the simple things or gestures in life that make the world of difference.
I will continue to tell people in my life I Love them.
And I will continue to wait for Kannon to tell me he loves me.



  1. You are such a brave and amazing woman...I feel like I'm getting to know you all over again through reading your blog! We have been apart for so many years now but we will always have an eternal connection! I LOVE YOU!!
    Happy Valentines Day!
    Laura :)

  2. keep on teaching the words... but always remember that actions speak louder than words... ;)