Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I have always had a worrisome personality.
One of my earliest memories as a kid is when my mom dropped me off at the neighbors house so she could go grocery shopping. I was a wreck....I thought she was never coming back and all I could do was sit by the front window looking out at my driveway waiting for her to come home.
She did come home. I don't think she ever left me at the neighbors again...what a good mom :)
I would also worry about our dogs, wondering if at any minute they were going to drop dead or get run over by a car. Turns out my childhood dog did in fact get run over by a car...so that didn't help my worrying at all.
I started to believe that all my feelings of doom and worry would eventually come true.

I never thought for a second that I would have had a child with Autism.
Never worried about it while I was pregnant.
All I thought about was what he was going to look like and if he would have all his fingers and toes...stuff like that.
So I guess I was wrong.
Things will just happen in life whether you worry about them or not.

I will say that since having Kannon my neurotic behaviors have been amplified.
I worry way more than I ever used to.
I am paranoid....I wonder what people are thinking, why they are thinking it...it's annoying.
I worry about Kannon running into the street.
I worry that when we are in the grocery store I will turn my back for a second and he will run away, out the doors into the parking lot...
I worry that while I am in the bathroom for 1 minute he is climbing on the kitchen counters and getting into trouble...
I worry.

I hate that I am paranoid.
I hate that people always stare at Kannon and I when we go out in public.
Maybe it is just in my head.
I just know I have been approached one too many times with ridiculous questions.
I have felt the glares while out in public when Kannon was acting out.
For awhile it made me feel very insecure.
I would think complete strangers were just judging me.
Like they had nothing better to do with their time than to look at me with a critical eye.
Like they knew me...who I was inside and how much I was hurting.
Maybe some of them were judging me, as a mother...
When I would lie awake at night this would keep me up. It would eat at me.

Sounds so ridiculous, I know.
This is how isolated and alone I felt for awhile though.
I can understand why some people completely go inside themselves.
It sucks.

I know better now.
I understand that my insecurities were just that.
My own issues that I had to deal with.
I was projecting my paranoia onto others....we all know it's easier to put things off on other people than to look at yourself in the mirror and find fault.
I had to really admit fault, look at things objectively...find acceptance for myself.
Know that I was honestly doing the best I could with what I had.
I still work on this every single day.
I still work on improving my insides so I have more to work with...

Ultimately we have to let what we think people are saying about us when we aren't there go.
We have to have faith in our own being that we are good people, and that the people in our life really love and accept us.
But first we have to love our own life....own it, make no excuses for ourselves.
If other people cannot understand why we do things they way we do, that's fine.
We need to own how we live our own lives...at least I have had to for myself.

We can all learn so much from watching other people live their lives.
Not by judging them either...really just embracing how they make choices and how they find grace within every day.
To trust that everyone in your life will come back to you....sometimes you have to trust more than you are comfortable with...but they will come back if they love you, even if they are only gone for a few hours, or days.

It really is wonderful when you can trust not only yourself, but everyone in your life.
To allow people to love you, and to know that they accept you.

I am working on letting go of my insecurities.
Changing a behavior is one of the hardest things to do...even watching Kannon every day try to change certain behaviors is grueling.
To change the way we are wired is a huge job.
It's a great challenge though...I have learned to embrace the way I feel when my heart feels like it is being tugged, ripped, squashed, warm, tingly...

It is great to feel alive.


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