If you only knew. You someday will.

If you only knew how proud I am of you.

How you just carry on every moment of every day...most times all by yourself.
Without my aide.
Without my prompting or support...

You just do.

You have excelled in school...
You earned the highest test scores in your class.
You have sat in class in front of your teachers and listened.
You took it in.

The compassion and love for life you show every moment is contagious.
You simply live for each moment...let it go, and move on.
You are simply wonderful.

The way you watch those around you live.

The smile you put upon your own face while watching life.
The hundreds of times you have lit my face up without even knowing it.
You are truly magical.

I find myself feeling guilty every day because I cannot spend enough time with you.
With your imagination...your questions...your energy.

I often watch you sleep.
Sometimes these are the only moments I have to truly just sit with you and feel your being.
Sad.
But the truth...with our life, our schedule...it is truth.

There is not a moment that something inside me tugs at my conscious reminding me that I want so much to spend more time with you...to watch you grow into the person you are becoming.

Most of the time you are becoming this person without me.

Without me.

Like a seed planted in the ground you have grown into a living, thriving being.
You have thrived in your environment without complaint...
You are a survivor.

I could not be more proud of being able to call myself your mother.

I hope someday you read this and understand why we have made the sacrifices we have...
Why we live the life we live every day without complaint or regret.
Why we may not be like other families you see at your school every day.
Why there have been years of testing...therapists...doctors...sleepless nights...uneventful outings...tantrums...bruises...tears.

I know you will understand how much I love you.

I hope you can forgive me for those things you don't/didn't understand.

I will talk to you for hours...days...months if you need when the time comes.
I will talk to you until my last breath if you need to understand why we got to where we are at that moment.

Life is short, and lessons come at you fast.
It is how you react to them that make you who you are.
Life is not something to be taken lightly, yet one should never take themselves too seriously.

There is beauty everywhere.
Thank you for showing me this when my vision was cloudy.
For there were moments when my knees were too weak to stand and your little heart supported us all.

You are, to put it simply...

Beautiful.

Thank you Kalena, my daughter, for choosing me to be your mother.
For choosing this life to live with us...with Kannon and I.
For being my "other" child... my "normal" child...

If you only knew all the things my heart wants to tell you every moment, but sometimes can't.

I hope someday you do.

peace :)

speechless.

Some times I am speechless.
I don't always have the words to communicate with Kannon when he doesn't.
Most of the time I can get my point across to him, and him me.
But today was different...

We went to the park after school to play for a bit before he had therapy.

As always I sit on the bench and off he goes usually to the tire swing first.

Today was no different, tire swing first and then after he noticed a couple of boys running around in the sandbox area off he went to play with them.

I want to say that since starting school last year Kannon's interest and ability to play with his peers has just sky rocketed.
He loves other kids, all sizes and ages.
When he sees "fun" especially chasing around it is like a magnet for him that he cannot resist.

So off he went to the sandbox.
I could still see him but he was a little farther away so I couldn't really hear what was going on.

Within 10 minutes I hear Kannon screaming, in joy, and look over and the bigger boy was dumping a bucket of sand on his head...
I hopped up and saw Kannon's face and since he was clearly enjoying this act for whatever reason, I didn't panic.

I started to walk over just in case, as my alerts are always up.
When I was about 10 feet from the boys is when I heard the boy who was dumping the sand say to the other boy:

"This is what happens to retards."

Kannon just sat there flapping his hands and laughing in joy, since in his mind they were just playing...
Where as I immediately scanned the park for potential parents to "discuss" what I just heard their son say to my son.

I called over to Kannon to come by me, and this is when the boy took the bucket and no joke threw it as hard as he could at Kannon's face.

I wish I was kidding.
I wish as a parent I didn't have to watch such cruel things happen to Kannon more than any child should ever have to experience such actions...such words.
I wished for Kannon that this didn't have to happen to his gentle soul.

It obviously hurt Kannon and along with getting a handful of sand in his eyes he got a plastic bucket in the face...
It hurt him.
He started to cry from the sting of it all.

I ran over to him just as the boys were running off down the trail to their bikes they had left over by the trees and off they went...
No parents, no accountability....they were gone.

I knelt down, brushed the sand from his face and wiped the sandy tears from his cheeks.

Then, what Kannon did next is why I write about him.
It is why he really is so special.

He got up looked at the boys who were off and riding about 50 feet away from us, waved his hand high up in the air and yelled to them:

"Thank you boys for playing sand with me"

He thanked them.
Through his sandy tears...he was still gracious for their time.
His heart knew gratitude over pain.
He knew nothing about the cruelty that was just shown to him, only that these boys were "playing" with him.

Moments like this I am speechless.
I didn't have the words to try to talk this one out with him.
He looked at me wiping his face, tears gone now, and said to me...

"It's o.k mom...no more ouchie"

Still as I sit here and digest all of this I am speechless.

Bless his heart.
He said Thank You.

peace.

Be the change you want to see in the world...

Sounds simple enough.
It is.

Make the choice to see the good in people.
Take a moment to think before you speak.
If you don't feel good about whatever it is you are about to say, then don't say it.
Let your emotions help you.
They are there for a reason...to guide you, help you, aide you in staying on the right path in life.

I find myself sometimes feeling as if I am outside myself looking in.
Watching people watch me...watching Kannon and his "quirks"
I am constantly introspectively guiding my thoughts, words, and actions.

This is all because I want to change people's perspectives...including my own.
Kannon is teaching me patience, love, and a whole new world I never knew possible.
Even if only one person sees my emotional discipline...sees my eyes watching them watch me...sees that I am dedicated to my cause, to my son...then it is worth it all.
Even if I have to blindly believe in my own cause, it is still worth it.

I have many moments during my day that I go above and beyond the "norm"
Good for me.
I don't need a pat on the back, I don't need praise or applause...I just need my soul to feed on the action itself.
I need to do my own work.
For someday it will just come naturally...someday the work will just be...will transform into self.
This is also not why I write about these moments. I write to hopefully raise awareness and hope to situations some may not understand.

This is what I strive for.
Understanding. Hope. Love.
Moment by moment I strive for hope that I can pass through my heart into my children's without hesitation...without pause.
For after learning that I can trust myself...my actions...my truth, then I will know I am of pure intention.

I want people to like other people.
To pause and think before they speak.
To watch before they pass judgement...hell, to not pass any judgement at all.
Just to observe, know and find peace with it...

Take it or leave it, it is a choice.
But don't judge or speak ill against another whom you don't understand.

And, if you find yourself on the other side of this...
Let it go.
Don't allow others to affect your path.
Do not feel that their opinions or judgement is worthy of your time, worry, or contemplation.

I am not lecturing.
I am not trying to enlighten or speak as I know it all.

I am simply speaking from my heart, my experiences, and my hopes for a better tomorrow for us all...
Not just my son.
For everyone.

I watch Kannon draw pictures every day of Rainbows, Sunshine, Smiles...
It is within us all.

No matter how "damaged" we may or may not be.

I have seen Kannon pushed 15 feet from a playground, called "retarded" to his face, "stupid", "weird", I have seen kids laugh at him and run away from him, I have seen adults frown at him and shake their head in disapproval...

I have watched all of this happen to my child.
I have watched...and I am learning.

Kannon has taught me through example just how to be that change I want to see...
He is still laughing, still trying to play with kids who make fun of him, still smiling through the tears.

This is strength.
This is love of life.


peace.