I have had this nagging feeling for the past couple of weeks that I am just not doing something "right" in regards to raising my beautiful daughter...
Yes, I have another child besides my son who I blog about all the time.
Case in point.
The other day I had put on my blue shirt, blue Autism Speaks ribbon pin and we were headed out to the door to get into the car.
My daughter looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, "What about me mommy?"
"When will I get a day for you to wear a shirt?"
And...heart drops...mouth crinkles into frown and I pick her up and give her the biggest bear hug I could.
I wanted so much to run back into the house, put on a personalized t shirt with her picture on it, with a pin that says "I LOVE MY DAUGHTER...TOO"
Ha, so sad...but sometimes I feel as if I need to yell that at the top of my lungs to the world...and obviously to her.
I am still figuring this whole deal out.
I still don't know how to balance having a son with Autism, and then this other perfectly special, intelligent little girl who has some tough questions.
She never asks too much though...she never complains when we have to leave the park after 5 minutes because her brother threw a tantrum and we had to leave...she never rolls her eyes or makes fun of him when he can't do what other kids can...she doesn't ask why he still needs help dressing himself when she can dress herself just fine...she just doesn't.
But she does want to know why he is so damn special...and sometimes she "isn't"....at least in her eyes.
She doesn't understand why there is a team of people who are at our house every single day to work with Kannon...to play with Kannon...to take notes on Kannon...to watch Kannon's every move...and why she doesn't have this "special" treatment.
Of course she doesn't feel as special.
Who would when you look at it logistically.
Kids look at things in black and white...there is very little in between for them.
That comes with age and influence.
I must start filling in her gray areas before time passes me by...as we all know it does go by fast.
Before we know it our babies aren't babies anymore...and we are left with regrets...at least some of us are.
I already have so many regrets...and I try every day to put them behind me and move forward.
I must set an example for her.
She needs to see what true acceptance is.
She needs to know that life is what you make of it...and no one can make you feel bad about yourself...only you can do that.
She needs to go beyond being the "normal" child in all of this.
I try to show her in my own way how different and special she is.
I try to take her out on mommy/daughter outings so that just the two of us can hang out and talk...go shopping...walk around holding hands laughing...just being around each other without the constant demands Autism places on our every day life.
I think she enjoys our special time together.
I also know that the minute we get home, she runs to wherever Kannon is and sits down next to him.
After all, he is her big brother...he should be someone she can run to in her life.
I can only hope someday this can manifest to truth...
For they both rely on one another in ways they don't know about or understand yet.
They only feel love.
I think once I stop over thinking this whole thing and just allow my children to figure things out in their own way, I may just learn how to deal with it all.
They both seem very comfortable in their love for one another, and nothing in this world can be a better life lesson than that.
I need to accept that I don't have the right answers sometimes...even when I think I may need them.
I need to relearn a new kind of patience that Autism previously took away from me...only because I allowed it to.
Everything in life is given to you for you to learn from...to find balance within.
Just because I have 2 kids doesn't mean they balance each other out in my life.
It should mean that I need to find the balance within each of them individually for the benefit of us all.
At least that is what I am going with for now.
Oh...I am also going to make a personalized pink and red t shirt with her favorite things all over it so I can wear it on our next girl day together...I think that's definitely in order :)