Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Organized chaos

I did a school project years back that was titled this.
It simply stated an Interior that at first glance was so chaotic, cluttered and messy that you didn't know where to start shopping....
But once you gave it a chance and navigated through things you realized there was an actual plan to the space, it had order and purpose.

Obviously this could be applied to Kannon too.

At first glance you may see a wild, unorganized child that has no direction or "start" to him.
Then...IF you give him a chance you begin to see the beauty in his order...in his direction.
It all makes sense when patience and acceptance is applied.

This weekend was a good showing of chaos...it was a tough one.
A long, tough 4th of July weekend.
And when I say tough...believe me, it goes above and beyond the beyond of it all...
Days like these are ones when I learn the most about myself...about where I can improve.
Kannon was very agitated this weekend and his "behaviors" completely off the charts.
Kannon's behaviors have been unmanageable at times the past few months, and honestly I have stopped trying to figure out "why".
He is not willing to cooperate or participate in much of anything without a huge tantrum.
Saturday morning it took me an hour and a half to get him to put on his bathing suit so we could go to the pool...and he LOVES the pool, so obviously something inside his brain was itching at him enough that he had to go through this very long tantrum to delay our outing.
He screamed, threw his body on the ground and eventually wedged himself under his sisters bed so that no one could physically reach him.
He had checked out.
He was unreachable.

So, as sometimes happens we have to wait.
We were all ready to go, bathing suits on, backpack packed up with snacks, juice, games, towels...
But no Kannon.
He was in his own world right now...one that I have become used to and it is never easy for me as his mother to watch him go there.
It hurts my heart more than I can explain.
I hate watching him unwind, loose control of his thoughts and feelings and just collapse into these physical tantrums.
I hate seeing him cry, I hate hearing him scream in pain...but I have gotten used to it unfortunately.
Unfortunately, it is part of the deal and no amount of hugs or kisses or love will pull him from this place.
He went back to his place a total of 5 times this weekend...
Obviously he needed to work some things out in his mind.

He just has to go there sometimes.
So we wait.
We wait for him to come back to us and to his place of organized chaos...
Because quite honestly with Autism that is all it ever really is.
Chaotic, yet calm.
Confused, yet clear.
Frustrating, yet understood.

At least we ended the weekend on a good note.
Kannon got to look up at the sky and watch the fireworks...he loves fireworks.
His face lit up with a smile and it stayed there for the 20 minutes that his eyes sparkled with delight.

He was happy...
He had come back.

And thank god I got to take a much needed 3 hour nap on Tuesday :)



  1. Patience and acceptance...and 3-hour naps as reward. :-))

  2. seriously, you have patience that I could not possess. But we know that's not true. We do what we have to do in our own situations, right? :) p.s. tell your daughter I think she's wonderful for being so patient.