Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Saturday, May 1, 2010

My best friend reminded me the other day of something I wanted to share.

I need to allow myself to feel the bad things that come along with Autism and Kannon.
I need to let myself really feel everything.

I tend to always try to make the best of everything.
To make excuses for things/people in my life that are misunderstood.
I want people to feel peace with everything.
To accept things.

The truth is though that not everyone will accept everything.
I cannot change peoples perspectives of their own truths and beliefs.
That is not my purpose or desire.

I DO want people to better understand Autism.
I want them to feel for this disorder...to feel all the emotions involved even if they are not involved.
I want people to laugh, cry and take a step back and think.
To do this I must admit everything about Autism.
No sugar coating.

This is hard for me because I have so much pain in my soul for Kannon who is misunderstood EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Every moment of his precious life he is misunderstood.
Even by those who are trying to help him recover from all of this...I still see it in their faces.
Therefore, I try to make light of things....I try to make things more beautiful than they may be.
It is all perspective.

Autism sucks.
It really does.
It is the most complex situation one can be presented with, given or forced upon that will tear out every preconceived notion or belief you may have had about behaviors, emotions or the human soul.
It gives you so much, yet takes away twice as much.
It touches your soul in the smallest pockets that have never been opened or used.
Then, it uses them and leaves them damaged, never again to be be salvaged.

Then, at times it brings you to your knees.
It literally gets to the deepest part of your being and makes a wall that forces every single tear/cry out of you until you no longer can cry...until you are out of liquid tears.
Yet, inside you are still crying.

The hardest thing about Autism is that there is no black and white.
No clear cut boundaries or answers to ANYTHING.
This is why I can only hope people will find compassion and patience for this disorder that is and will take over a huge part of our society.
It needs love.
It needs patience.
It needs people to fight for it and with it.

I still honestly feel Kannon is my gift.
I will never regret this journey nor understand why I choose this for my life.
I hope I come out of it all smiling, yet crying.
Strong, yet weak from the battle....soft, yet hard from experience.


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