Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Friday, January 7, 2011

Black and White

Clearly there are differences with Kannon and other children.
Clearly these differences are obvious and sometimes painful to accept as a parent.
I wonder if Kannon sees the differences...if he feels them.
If it really matters in his journey...

It slapped me in the face today however after our first of many assessments we have to do for Kannon in order for him to attend public school.
Yes, when you have a child with "special needs" aka special education you must undergo a series of tests administered by the school psychologist, speech pathologist and education specialist. In total, he will have about 7-8 assessments/meetings with them lasting from 2-3 hours each session.

I went in with an open mind, hoping for the best.
I hoped that the last year of Kannon's hard work in therapy would help him to be able to understand these "tests" and for him to be able to sit still for the 2 hour session.
Needless to say, he did last the two hours, but did only about 20 minutes of real testing.

He cried and screamed for the rest of the time, hit me about 20 times, bit my arm and leg, and head butted me in front of the very nice education specialist...this is when I calmly stood up, asked for 5 minutes and went out to the breezeway and cried.
I put myself back together and went back in the room where Kannon had laid down on the floor in the corner and was crying covering his head...we decided to go for a walk at this point to calm him down...

I was sad, frustrated, and damn it that head butt really made my eyes sting.
I can't accept that after almost 3 years of intense therapy this is where we are.
Kannon could not point out a cow...he could not count to 3...and he could/would not write his name down.
Forget about being able to read...
The frustrating part is that I have seen him do all of this...even more.
He really is such a smart kid.
SO, we could not finish the testing for today, and will have to do it another day in hopes he will be able to complete the series of tests...for without a proper assessment Kannon won't be placed in the right classroom.

It is times like this when as I said earlier I feel a big slap in the face of where Kannon really is in the scheme of things.
The thing with Autism is that it tricks you.
One day will be full of promise, peace, and wonderful achievements...full of hugs, kisses and laughter.
The next will be one filled with tears, screams, bites and a blank faced child.
Then the next you will have a screaming, hitting fit followed by a 2 hour quite child sitting at the table coloring.
There is never consistency.
It is not black and white...in fact I can't even begin to label or define Autism and its behaviors.
There is no "this or that", there is no accurate chart or scale that could measure really anything involved with Autism...

We go for another walk outside after I called the meeting to an end...he clearly was not in any place to sit down for a minute longer, plus my head was hurting, no throbbing.
It was recess time so all the kids were out playing...and Kannon just stopped in his tracks.
He looked on at the kids running around laughing, screaming, chasing one another...
And then, as if major contemplation and happiness overcame his soul...he smiled.
A big toothy smile and continued to watch the kids.

In my mind I couldn't help put fantasize that he was imagining himself in their shoes...
Wanting to be a part of it all, seeing how great this environment could really be.
My heart tells me that's what he was thinking.

Then after a minute or so, he turned to me and said "movie please" and we left.

Every mother hopes their child will be happy and live a normal life...go to school, have friends, excel in studies, create wonderful things, explore the world, have a family of their own, be good people, etc...

I too hope these things for Kannon.
After moments like today, I just hope that Kannon is happy...that he can see beyond the black and white of it all...that there is many shades of grey that lead to color in his mind...in his world.

peace :)

1 comment:

  1. "There is never consistency." This was MY catch phrase for all the years I dealt with the teachers / assessors / aides / therapists... all the so called experts... now I know I was the only expert in the room. I was the only one who had any idea of my son's abilities or limitations. Keep on trying to make the "experts" understand... sadly I don't think they will ever truly know.