Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all
And sweetest is the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm...
~Emily Dickinson

Monday, June 6, 2011

No good deed goes without reward

I told myself this over and over again one day while I sat in a room waiting for Kannon.
It all comes full circle sometimes.

I believe that what I am doing in this lifetime is with absolute purpose and conviction.
My passion stems from a love I never knew possible until I had my beautiful kids...they instilled within me what I already knew but had forgotten once I was born.

We are all spiritual beings having a human experience, not vice versa.
I knew all of this was my path.
I just forgot how to find my way.
I knew I would have a "special" child, but I was too busy growing up myself...
There was a reason that even in junior high I was one of the only people there who volunteered my free time to work with the "special education" class there.
I would eat lunch with them, walk around during class time in the halls with them so they could avoid the crowds, sit in the library with them and just "be".
Just be their friend.
I think I enjoyed it sometimes more than they did.

And now that I have a special guy all to myself I must remind that old passion of mine that it is there for a reason.
A reason bigger than I will ever understand in this human experience.
A reason to help my soul grow, expand, create better environments for those who need them.

Just like any mother tries to do every single day for their child.
We want a beautiful experience for our children.
We want a beautiful experience with our children.

It all comes full circle.

So as I sat waiting that one day for Kannon while he lay motionless on the Cat Scan table I cried.
I cried because even though I had wished so many times Kannon could just sit still for a minute, well...I take it all back.
I cried for all the above reasons.
I even left out the "special needs" in the moment.

I was scared for the first time in a very long time.
I could not protect him.
I could not create the outcome in all of this.
It was not in my hands.
It was in his.

Kannon is fine...better than fine, he is vibrant.
They found nothing in the scans, thank god.
All those sleepless nights of him complaining of his head hurting and the crying...what was it?
At that point I could care less.
His head scans came back negative, he was fine.
He was smiling again.

Was it Autism?
Were they just headaches?
Damn you Autism.
Why must you create impossible diagnosis' sometimes with very real, very intrusive symptoms...

Anyways, this whole experience was very real and very intrusive.
I will never forget the cloud it put over us.
It was a definite wake up call for my soul.
It was one of the biggest rewards I could have ever received.
Full circle right back to the place I know I belong, the place where I love nothing more than doing good deeds all day long.

As Kannon's mom.


1 comment:

  1. The universe has some mysterious ways of getting us back on track--to where we are really meant to be, our higher purpose, our place in the sun, our reason for living. And when we reach that place, our hearts could only be content that we have found home at last. Full circle-- yes, there is no other, no more perfect term than what you have come to be. And I am happy for you. :-)